Surprise, surprise

Short version:
For those who are still battling IF and may be having a bad day I won't beat around the bush.  My one follicle was the lucky one and this week I got a BFP.  I have had a couple of labs drawn since then and everything has come back with strong numbers growing right as they should.

Long version (for those who are interested in all the details):
Wednesday was my scheduled test day.  In the days leading up to it I had mixed feelings but mostly I didn't want to take the test.  The last couple cycles, 2 days after testing Aunt Flow would come to town.  I figured if I just waited a few more days I wouldn't have to go through the disappointment of a negative test.  Unfortunately that plan was thwarted by Dr. Love's good memory.  After getting ready for work, he woke me up from my sleep.

Dr. Love: "Isn't today test day?"

Me: "Yeah, but I think I'm going to skip it."

Dr. Love: "Uh, so when would you test instead?"

Me: "Maybe tomorrow or Friday."

Dr. Love: "Well tomorrow I'm on call, so I don't think that would be a good idea, and Friday's 2 days away."

Me: " <sigh> You want me to test today, don't you?"

I pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom.  For the first few seconds I didn't want to look at the test.  I didn't want to see that stark white staring up at me.  Moments later I knew I had to look at it.  I was shocked to see not 1 but 2 lines developing.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing and just sat there paralyzed for a moment.  When I finally got my wits about me I pulled out the box of digital tests I bought ages ago for just such an occasion.  While the instructions say to wait 3 minutes, "Pregnant" popped up in less than a minute.  Again I was in shock.  I took a few minutes to gather my composure and went back in the bedroom to show Dr. Love.

Me: "Well that's unexpected," as I handed him the sticks.

Dr. Love: "You took two?" then he looked at them..."Wait, really?"  Then he started counting days.  "We're 16 days past trigger, and it's typically out of your system after 10 days....that's all you honey?"

We hugged and I was still numb, shocked; I couldn't believe this was happening.  Even though we were on a medicated cycle, since nothing was different about the medications and my response for our 4th time, I didn't expect much and thought we'd be moving onto a more aggressive plan next cycle.

I called the RE to notify them of my positive and set up days for beta HCG draws.

Beta 1 at 14 days past ovulation: 447

Beta 2  at 16 days past ovulation: 953

Progesterone: 21.2

The numbers suggest that this is a strong pregnancy that should be sustainable.  Obviously I realize that's not a guarantee and a lot of stuff could still happen thus I remain cautiously excited and a bit scared too.  We are very grateful and thrilled to be here and pray that everything goes smoothly.  I'd like to say that the blood test, the bloating, the swollen breasts, and the exhaustion (I've fallen asleep on the couch like 3 times in the last week) have me convinced but it still seems so unreal. 

Our first ultra sound is on August 4th and I hope seeing the little bean on the screen will help it become more real.  While I'm waiting for a more certain due date from my doctor but right now it looks like our lucky charm should be arriving in the middle of March. 

I appreciate the support and encouragement that I have received from blogland during these difficult months and never giving up on me even when I was less than confident.  I hope that you will all stick around as this blog evolves with the pregnancy, but I understand that for some that might not be possible.  I know that in IF, every BFP that isn't yours stings to some degree.  I wish I could take that pain away and hope that many more BFPs are coming in the near future.

One is the loneliest number

Last weekend it was time once again for my monitoring ultra sound.  If nothing else at least it feels like this cycle is passing quickly.  As usual, I started to feel nervous in the hours leading up to the scan.  I won't drag it out and leave you in suspense, the results were nothing new.  One single 19mm follicle on the left ovary and good uterine lining.  I think we have successfully established that this 50mg dose of Cl.omid just gets me up to operating at a "normal" level of one follicle with alternating ovaries.  Normal is great...if you haven't been working at this for over a year already and had hoped to be pregnant several cycles ago.  I think we've finally established that if we aren't successful this round that we'll be doing something different next cycle, though I'm not counting us out this time around.

I did have a brief infertile panic attack before my appointment.  My doctor's office calls my trigger shot and progesterone supplements into a small specialty pharmacy that has a location right above their office.  I don't typically use this pharmacy for other medications and I usually only stop by when I have an appointment at my RE's.  Since my Saturday monitoring appointment was the first time I was going to be at the office this cycle I figured I would make one stop and show up a few minutes early to pick up my prescription before my appointment.  So imagine my surprise when I walked up to the pharmacy to find the door locked, the lights turned off and a sign that read they were open Monday through Friday.  My heart started to race as fears that I had just ruined the cycle filled my head.  I sent an urgent text message to my father, a pharmacy manager at one of the big pharmacy chains, to see if they happened to regularly stock the meds...they don't.  It was an IF nightmare, following my protocol to a T and putting myself through 2 weeks of hormones only to drop the ball at the goal line.  Luckily my nurse saved the day as she remembered that the specialty pharmacy had a location a half hour away that was open until 12:30 on Saturdays.   With the clock ticking away, once my appointment was done I hustled to get across town before they closed.  I made it just in time and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't screwed up the rest of our cycle.  I guess I will be making a point to get to the pharmacy sooner the next time around...if there is a next time around.

In addition to my panic attack I did get a nice little surprise while sitting in the waiting room.  Dr Love was on call that day so I went to the appointment by myself, which wasn't anything new as I've attended most of the appointments alone.  In the midst of trying to solve my shot dilemma I received a text from Dr Love that he was on his way.  The senior residents were kind enough to cover the floor for a hour in order for Dr Love to be able to come.  Even though it was only for a short period of time I know we both appreciated the fact that he was able to be there.  He wants to be involved but like a lot of husbands whose wives are having fertility treatments, he struggles with feeling out of control of the situation.  He's not the one taking the medications, dealing with the side-effects, or having regular dates with Wanda (the vag cam).  The only thing he can do is be supportive and one of the ways he can do that is to come to my appointments but his schedule has made it difficult to do that.  He definitely paid for that hour off the rest of the day and evening as there was a never ending stream of patients/admits at the hospital once he returned.  Regardless I think he'd say it was worth it to be there with me.

Now we wait to see if we finally got that winning follicle.  At the very least I find comfort that if we don't, we will have a more aggressive approach next round.  Fingers crossed.  

Lady in Waiting

Here I am again in the thick of the dreaded two week wait (2WW).  This is only my 2nd official 2WW in the year that we have been on the TTC train, so it is not quite as torturous as I imagine it would be if this was my 12th.  Currently I am 9 days post trigger shot which means I could be 7-8 days past ovulation though I don't know exactly since I said goodbye to the bbt this cycle.  My first 2WW only lasted 10 days after ovulation which was a big surprise and just a bit too short as an ideal luteal phase (the time between ovulation and menses) is 12-16 days.  Thus the next couple days I'm going to be holding my breath and crossing my fingers that the progesterone supplements will do their job to stretch that out to give any potential embryo(s) time to snuggle in tight without pulling the rug from under it/them.

Speaking of progesterone supplements, I've been taking them for less than a week and the twice a day bit is already getting old.  This does not bode well considering if we do "meet our goal" (as the RE's office likes to call it) I'll need to keep shooting the vaginal suppositories up there until 9 weeks.  Obviously I'll do what I need to but, ugh, this routine is less than ideal (haha what else is new).  The night time dose is fine; it's the morning one that's slightly annoying as I get up 30-45 minutes before my usual time, drag my half awake self down the stairs to the fridge to retrieve a dose, stumble back up the stairs to our bathroom to take it, then slide back into bed until my normal wake up time to give the "fun pill" time to melt (yuck) and be absorbed.  Doesn't that sound like a blast every morning for possibly 10-11 weeks?  Good grief I just realized that's almost 3 months of these suckers.  ::chanting:: It will all be worth it, it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it.
This 2WW is also momentous since:

> We will hit our 1 year TTC-iversary.

> I will celebrate my 29th birthday.  Yikes!

> It will be my first Mother's Day as a bonafide infertile.

The next 7 days I'm going to try to keep myself busy and not dwell on it which shouldn't be too hard since while I'm not counting this cycle out yet I haven't felt overly confident about it since the monitoring ultrasound.  To liken it to baking, we're just waiting to see if the dough will raise.  Hopefully the yeast was alive, hopefully the water was the right temperature, and hopefully we gave the yeast the appropriate food needed to work its magic, but right now all we can do is wait to see if we have a bun to put in the oven. 

Bye Bye BBT

Dear little pink BBT-

We need to have a talk.  I really don't want you to take this personally but...I think we should stop seeing each other.  You don't really fit my needs any more and I've moved on.  It pains me a bit to tell you this but there's someone else.  I've been seeing him for a while but wasn't quite ready to give you up as I thought you still had something to teach me.  Now it has developed to a point where you and I have grown apart, beside the upcoming progesterone supplements are just going to screw with your head.  I figured it would be in both our best interest to quit now while we are on good terms than wait until we're frustrated and confused about what's going on.

We had a good run though while it lasted.  Sure, I had some issues trusting you from time to time when you didn't tell me what I had hoped to hear but in the end we learned that really it was all my fault for not giving you better information to work with.  You taught me valuable information about was going on with my body, or more specifically what wasn't happening.  You showed me that I wasn't ovulating which turns out to be a bit of a problem when you want to have a baby.  You saved me even more months of frustration and futile efforts.  You gave me the pieces I needed to get help.  For all this I am extremely grateful but I think our time is through...at least for now.

Maybe one day we'll meet again under better circumstances, we'll have better communication, and you'll have better news to tell me other than nothing is happening in there.  I hope there are no hard feelings that I'm leaving you behind for fancier tools.  It's not you, it's me and I hope we can still be friends.

Take care,

Residency Widow

Back in the saddle again

Once again just when I think Mother Nature is a pain in the butt, she shows that she has a small amount of mercy. Cycle 9 was one of my strangest but shortest cycles to date. 22 days! Sure it was unfortunately another anovulatory cycle but wow, 22 days.

Today I went in for my repeat cyst check ultrasound, and I felt so nervous in the hours leading up to the procedure this morning. Luckily the nerves were put to rest as the 2 cysts which spoiled our treatment in Cycle 9 are GONE!! Which means we have the green light on starting up medication again.



Source: Photobucket



My bag o' fun this time includes:

.5mg Dexamethasone from now until cycle day (CD) 14

50 mg Clomid, CD 3-7

A box of ovulation predictor sticks for use starting CD 11

1 shot of Pregnyl HcG trigger

50 mg Progesterone suppositories to be used twice a day during the two week wait.

Funny thing is my mid cycle ultrasound to check my response to the medication and the growth of follicles is scheduled for Easter morning.  I'm sure we can draw all kinds of symbolism from that, so far I've come up with:

Hopefully this means my "baskets" will have some good eggs.

Maybe this is where my fertility will be resurrected from the dead.

Is the ultrasound wand the Easter Bunny of my uterus?  He better bring me lots of goodies.

What an appropriate way to start off NIAW.

Buckle in tight because this crazy ride is on its way once again. 

The Status of Cycle 9

The results of today's baseline ultrasound / cyst check:

2 cysts greater than 30mm in size = no medication for ovulation induction this cycle.

In the process of stimulating the ovaries to grow follicles and produce an egg, the cysts would also be stimulated to grow and we don't want that. As a result we're on a forced rest cycle in hopes that they will come down in size and we'll check on them again next cycle. We can still try on our own in case by a slim chance my body does decide to ovulate on it's own for once but we can't use any medication to help it get there.

Dr. M believes that the first cyst we found on my follicle check last cycle is one of these two and that it has shrunk a bit but it didn't burst last week as we thought. He has suspicions that the other one may be the 12mm follicle we saw and instead of rupturing with the trigger shot it kept growing. Great. :(

So:
The question about a Christmas baby has been most likely resolved.

We have a slim to none chance at a 2011 baby.

Our 1 year anniversary of trying to conceive will come and go.

The window for having 2 pregnancies during residency (which we had hoped to do to take advantage of our good maternity coverage) has been most likely slammed shut.

Needless to say, I'm bummed and I'm getting tired of being bummed.

I feel like we had to wait patiently to be even be able to try medication, due to my funky cycles interfering with timely completion of our testing, and we got 1 try before having to wait again.

I know I previously waffled on whether or not we would try this cycle, but I had made a decision on it that I felt good about. I was ready to go. Having that ability to chose taken away and instead having a break thrust upon me is frustrating.

I feel like everywhere I turn lately I run into road blocks of one kind or another and it's taken its toll. Usually I'm a fairly positive person, but I look back at the posts I've made on this blog and I see a lot of frustration and sadness. Now part of that is just the nature of this blog being an outlet for me and while it is cathartic for me it's not necessarily a fun read. I apologize for that and for the negativity, I hope to be able to have more positive and uplifting posts soon.

B-U-S-T

That's how you spell bust and the ending of our first Clomid cycle.


Our cycle started out full of hope and promise, and up until Sunday I believed we had a good shot at success. I had responded well to the medication with good follicles and endometrial lining. We had pretty good timing. I ovulated! We entered the dreaded two week wait and I felt positive that we had done it. We would have a little turkey in our family soon. I handled the first 8 days of the wait with ease as they seemed to fly by since I was more occupied with residency matters at the time. Then 9 days into the wait I started spotting, though I wasn't too worried about it given (TMI alert) the color and consistency. Dr Love even pointed out that it could be related to my cyst which we believe ruptured a week ago. Then everything turned on a dime.


I was still charting my basal body temp (BBT) this cycle and woke up Sunday morning to a temp drop that took my hopes with it. Dr Love came home from call to find a despondent wife trying to pull herself together. "It's not over," he said. "Temps don't tell everything." I wanted to believe him, truly I did. Aunt Flow, on the other hand, had other plans and came furiously storming in several hours later.

And that was the end of it. We (though really it's more me) had failed. There would be no little turkey coming to our home in November. Furthermore I didn't even make it to my test date and only lasted 11 days after my trigger, which is much too short. I'm left wondering what happened. Was my progesterone too low? Do I have some other kind of luteal phase defect? Were we successful but something wasn't right so my body halted any further development? Do I have rotten eggs? I know my mind is running away with me on the what ifs, and in the end the truth is we probably won't know and all we can do is look into it next round and adjust accordingly.

When we first started this cycle, I contemplated for a brief moment whether or not we would try again immediately after should we (in my RE's terms) "not reach our goal." Part of me had thought no, as we could potentially have a Christmas baby and I know kids hate having their birthday at Christmas. Now that I'm here, however, knowing that we may have other issues to address, and realizing that April will mark our 12th month of trying to conceive, I can't bring myself to throw away a cycle. If God wants us to have a Christmas baby, we'll have a Christmas baby.

So tomorrow I go to see Dr M. for an ultrasound cyst check and to learn the fate of this cycle. If things are clear, then we'll be a go for starting my next round of meds. If I have cysts that they're concerned about then we'll have to take a break from meds this cycle and that answers the Christmas dilemma on its own.

Only time will tell.

I'm Coming Out, I Want the World to Know....

Ok maybe not the whole world but at least my immediate family. Last Sunday while at my parents' house for dinner, we told my family about our struggles and the fact that we are working with a RE. When we first started with Dr. M I didn't say anything as there really wasn't any news to tell. I felt the same after all of our testing came back clear and that it appears it's only my old hormone problems that are the source of our problems. I knew it would just be a matter of time before either A) they asked, or B) something happened that I wanted to fill them in on.


After our follicle check showed a nice sized cyst, I figured it was time. In the event that the worst case scenario happens and the cyst bursts requiring a trip to the emergency room, I knew I wouldn't not be able to keep that a secret. The next obvious question would then be how did Residency Widow get a cyst in the first place? The spiral of information from that would inevitably lead to discussion of our reproductive efforts. So in an effort to squash the potential for hurt feelings and have the chance to reveal the information on my own terms, I decided Sunday would be THE day.


Regardless it's not the easiest subject to bring up. Rarely does normal dinner conversation lend itself to a discussion of one's reproductive organs. "Please pass the gravy, and oh by the way my ovaries suck," just isn't my style. So I waited for a good window.


Window #1: Mom's family's history of health problems

During dinner we got a surprise call that my uncle was being admitted to the hospital for heart surgery. After the initial shock we got talking about all the family's healthy history. "Perfect chance," I thought. Right as I was getting ready to blurt, "guess you can add infertility to that list," the phone rang and the moment was gone.


Window #2: Grandma skills

We took our dog Buster with us and he always gets spoiled by my Mom with doggy treats. Buster LOVES it and subsequently Buster LOVES my mom. Dr Love and I were teasing her about it and she said, "I'm just practicing my grandma skills." That would be great....except Dad had left the room moments earlier to help my brother with something. This was a discussion I wanted to have with both of them.


Window #3: Baby bonanza

When my dad came back some how the discussion took a turn towards the number of people we knew who were pregnant or recently had babies. But again just as the words were about to spill from my mouth, the topic shifted and rolled in another direction.


So after all those windows of opportunity, I decided I had to make my own window.


Window #4: Buster's bump

Occasionally Buster gets a little bump on his thigh. I noticed it again at my parents' house and brought it up to Dr Love. "Dogs can get little cysts just like humans. I wouldn't worry much about it," said my Dad.






"Guess who else has a cyst?" I blurted.


Yep I used the discussion of a cyst on my dog to bring up our struggles to conceive.


S-M-O-O-T-H-E is how you spell my middle name.


Overall the discussion that followed my awkward ice breaker went well. After giving them the full run down my dad's first question was to ask if we needed help with the treatments. Not in a "are you asking for money?" kind of way, but instead it was a caring "I can't do much to help other than offer financial help," kind of way.


Mom seemed to be a bit surprised of the stage we were in but not surprised that we were having trouble, given her knowledge of my history. "When we didn't hear anything for a while I kind of wondered if something was up, but wasn't going to push about it unless you guys brought it up."


So the cat's slowly creeping out of the bag and I think in the long run I'll be happier for it.

Hit me with your best shot!

Yesterday was trigger day! Hooray for ovulation! Boo to getting a shot.

I've read a number of other women's accounts of their experience with the HcG shot. I knew it wouldn't be a big deal. I knew it was a small needle. I knew it would be over quick. I knew I'd have Dr. Love do it, after all we might as well get all the use out of his medical knowledge that we can. Still when the time came to actually do the shot I got nervous. I mean we're puncturing my skin and injecting foreign substances into me.

"Our niece does this every day with her insulin," Dr Love assured me. Yet somehow knowing that my 11 year old niece could handle needles better than I could didn't help. Heaven help me if this shouldn't work and I need to move onto injectables at some point or end up with diabetes one day.

I walked Dr Love through each step of preparing the injection that was listed on my instruction sheet. I realize this was probably more for my benefit than his as I'm sure he already knew how to draw up the liquid and inject it into the powder vial.

I tell myself that if I had to I could have done this all on my own. I'll admit though that it was nice to just lay back, close my eyes and let Dr Love handle it. Today the injection site is a little bit tender but if it works it will be worth it. Now the countdown begins to see if this medicated cycle worked and will be our one and only. 16 days to go!

Check 1, 2, 3, Check

Yesterday morning I went in for my cycle day 14 ultrasound to monitor the effects of the Clomid. Ever since I started taking my meds I've been eagerly awaiting this day. Much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears I've wanted to know if I'm overstimulating (too hot), not responding at all (too cold), or responding just right.

I'm happy to say that the ultrasound went well and it looks like the state of my ovaries and uterine lining are just right. I have a 19mm follicle on the right, and a 17mm on the left. For good ovulation they want to see follicles over 21mm. At the rate they're growing, those two should definitely be ready to go this week when I trigger ovulation with a shot of HcG and then there's another 12mm on the left that MAY catch up in time but I doubt it. So that's 2, maybe 3, chances at getting pregnant this cycle.

In addition to the good follicles we also found a 3cm hemogenic cyst (that's about the size of a ping pong ball) that has come out of no where in the last couple weeks as it wasn't on my baseline ultrasound. That has me a little nervous but Dr M said it won't interfere in our other plans, we'll just need to keep an eye on it. I'm holding out hope that the cyst will resolve on it's own without rupturing.

All in all I feel very relieved and hopeful after yesterday's appointment. I'm glad that we made the decision to go with a RE in our treatment so that we could know what was going on and direct our course of action and expectations accordingly. Now lets go Turkey hunting!

And here we go

Ok maybe the Joker isn't the best illustration when it comes to trying to conceive, but I can't say this phrase without it sounding like Heath Ledger and this image going through my head.

Our treatment plan is finally officially under way. It took 10 weeks from our initial appointment to get here and I am ready to go. Here's what it will hopefully take to get us on our way to parenthood.

• 14 tablets of .5mg of dexamethasone
• 5 tablets of 50mg of clomid
• 1 shot of Pregnyl (HcG)
• 2 Ultrasounds

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound to take a look at my uterus and ovaries so that we can compare them after my course of Clomid. If there had been any previous doubt that I am PCOS that ultrasound pretty much removed it. My ovaries are poly cystic and big; enlarged due to the immature follicles of cycles past. The nurse practitioner doing the scan counted them up but she stops counting at 20 on each ovary because "by then it gets the point across"; I still had more to go. It's nice to know I'm not making things up and that we could see I really don't ovulate but it made me feel bad for my poor ovaries. Apparently they're not as lazy as I thought, they try really hard to get an egg out but just don't have enough juice to make it to the finish line. So let's hope this Poweraid cocktail gives them the extra juice they need to power through to the end.
As I sit here at the beginning of my treatment I find myself excited with a positive outlook on our chances. I'm looking forward to the possibility of a little turkey for us to be thankful for this November. I want it so bad I can taste it and that scares me. It scares me to think of the possibility that it might not happen. I'm trying not to focus on those fears though, instead I'm praying that I'll make it through the side effects and that it will work. I'm praying for our little gobbler.

Am I infertile enough?

Recently a woman on a local message board I visit posted about RESOLVE's annual Walk of Hope coming to our area in a month. I want to sign up and participate. Currently I haven't.

Today, on another message board, a woman posted this article from the Huffington Post about the need to start talking about infertility. Part of me wants to post the article to my Facebook. I haven't.

I'm getting to the point that I want to come out about our struggles. I don't want to lurk in the shadows perpetuating the silence of infertility, yet I can't bring myself to say anything.

Today I realized why. I don't feel like I'm infertile enough to claim the label of infertility. Even writing it I know that it's ridiculous; infertility isn't a competition.

I think part of this stems from the fact that doctors see me as an enigma. My physical exams don't match up with what the blood work shows is going on inside. I have PCOS but I don't look like it. We're young, we're healthy, there's nothing to suggest that we would have difficulty conceiving a child. The only problem that we can find is that I don't ovulate.

We're not doing IUI, IVF, donors, or surgery to correct any physical problems. Currently all it looks like I need is some medical help to get my sleepy ovaries to do what they were designed to. I don't want to trivialize the greater lengths, efforts, and time that other couples are facing that we aren't. I don't want to look like I'm crying wolf and offend other couples with greater obstacles than my own.

So, is that enough to stand among the ranks of other couples struggling to have a family and claim the label of Infertility?

According to RESOLVE's website the answer is Yes. 30% of female infertility problems are due to ovulation disorders and PCOS is the leading cause of infertility.

So I guess I need to get over any denial I have, start stepping out of the shadows, and find a way to publicly embrace my infertility.

So long January

January is over and with it so is Dr. Love's OB rotation at our county hospital. I'm glad it's over with as it was wearing us both down. The schedule, the other staff, the patients, all of it was wearing us down.


There seems to be some cosmic cruelty in being thrust into a OB rotation when you're in the thick of fertility testing and treatment. He would wake up early to get there by 5:30am to treat what could have been the casting call for MTV's 16 and Pregnant or Teen Mom seasons 3-5. 16 year olds with their 20-something year old baby daddies, and their 14 year old sisters who were also pregnant. 29 year old grandmothers. 24 year olds having their 6th child. Mothers to be who had been on drugs, etc. etc. These are just some of the stories he's told me and I know he doesn't tell me all the cases he runs into. He even had a dream where a school bus full of pregnant girls pulled up to the hospital for him to treat.

These patients cause us to ask THE question that all couples struggling with fertility ask. Why? Why does it come so easy for them when they're not ready to care for a child and it is so hard for us when we have done everything right and are emotionally and financially able to give a child a good home? Why them not us?
Why?
Why?
Why?
What's the point or the purpose?

I don't know that we'll ever have the answer but I hope one day we can stop asking the question.

We are clear for take off

Yesterday was the day I've waited over a month for. My hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As excited as I was to finally get this test done, the last couple days my nerves were steadily increasing.

Would it hurt?
What would they find?
What if I get bad news?

It wasn't easy to watch the hours tick by at work. I hardly got anything productive done. I arrived at the RE's office, filled out my consent form and waited. I had my blood pressure taken and waited. I got changed into the gown / drape and waited. Then it was time for my uterus and tubes to take center stage.

Act 1: The Speculum
I dislike the speculum, not that I think any woman is particularly fond of them, they're just one of many uncomfortable parts of being female. I always feel like I have to stay perfectly still while it's in place, that one good flex would send the instrument shooting out.

Act 2: A Shot of Lidocaine
To help ease cramping and the placement of the catheter, the Dr gave my cervix a few shots of lidocaine. "Cervix" and "thin needle" are not words I really liked being in the same sentence, but it wasn't bad at all (and I hate needles). I felt nothing more than a slight pinch.

Act 3: Catheter and Colored Dye
With all the appropriate parts cleaned and numbed it was time for the catheter to be positioned just inside the uterus. She began to inject the dye and we waited to see what would show up on the screen.

The Main Event!
"Oh yeah those are definitely open," the Dr said almost immediately after the dye began to flow. I watched the monitor as dark swirls appeared filling in the shape of my uterus and the path of my fallopian tubes before spilling into the white void of my peritoneal cavity. At this time the cramps also started.

And then we were done. For how long I had waited for this and the nerves that had built up, I was surprised how quick the whole thing went; door to door I was there less than an hour. The residual cramps and spotting, however, weren't as short lived. My uterus is still occasionally protesting the procedure this morning.

I am relieved though that aside from my hormone problems, Dr. Love and I healthy. My uterus and the fallopian freeway are open for business and his little guys are good to go. Now we just need to get the ovaries on board and hopefully that should do it.

Evolving

In December, my sister in law gave birth to triplets at 34 weeks. For premies, they were healthy but still had to stay at the hospital for several weeks until they could come home. Dr. Love and I went and saw them once in the hospital. They were tiny, looked so fragile, and at that moment I remembered...babies scare me. I didn't grow up around a lot of babies so I'm very intimidated by them. I was nervous to hold them, worried about feeding them, and terrified of trying to burp the fragile looking bodies. I left the hospital feeling a bit disappointed about my prospects of being a good mom considering how intimidated I felt by them. However, I also realized that this was perfectly normal, and it would be different when they were my own.

That was almost a month ago. Last night, after Dr. Love's family birthday party, my sister in law left early to go home and start the process of feeding the trio. I condsidered offering to help, but my mother in law beat me to it and then patted me on the shoulder. "Come over in a half hour and you can do the next one," she said.

Little Becky gobbled down her bottle and then snuggled into my shoulder as I tried to burp her. Whispy smiles swept across her faces as she cooed, and drifted off to sleep. Next to me Dr. Love craddled tiny Mark, and in that moment I caught a glimpse of what it could be like for us. Apparently my mother in law did too as she gushed at us from across the room.
I realized we could do this.
I wasn't afraid.
I have at least a modicum of motherly instinct stashed somewhere inside me.
Now let's hope that Mother Nature gives us a chance.

I never did get a burp out of her, but I'm looking on the bright side and chocking it up to awesome feeding skills instead.

Long road to nowhere

Today marks CD 60, which makes this my longest cycle ever. I tested. Big fat, stark white, not a trace of a line, negative. In my head I expected this but my heart had a bit of hope for otherwise. I thought/hoped...

Maybe, just maybe, I'll follow in the footsteps of a recent string of surprise pre-IF-treatment BFPs on a message board I visit. (I'm really happy for those girls)

Maybe, just maybe, the reason the powers that be have stuck me here unable to continue testing and treatment is because I won't need it.

Maybe, just maybe, Disneyland really is the Happiest Place on Earth and we'd end up with an anniversary baby.

Maybe, just maybe, my relaxing over the last couple weeks and stepping away from my BBT thermometer, will have worked. Afterall it's the cliche advice everyone else gives those TTC.

Maybe, just maybe, I won't have to come out about our issues to my mom in asking for a ride to my test and instead I'll get to tell her she's going to be a grandma.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to give Dr. Love a birthday gift only I could give him.

Nope, negative, nada, zip, zilch, zero, bubkis.

I'm going to put a call into my RE for Provera so that hopefully we can get this crazy ride back in gear. My only hope now is that maybe, just maybe, Aunt Flow will be kind and show up in the next few days versus the 1.5-2 weeks that it can take with Provera. Maybe, but she doesn't have the history of being kind, I don't think it's in her nature.

Waiting in Limbo Land

On December 13, 2010 we met with a reproductive endocrinologist and formulated a plan to get us on the road to having a baby. In our typical fashion, Dr. Love and I jumped into action. We wanted to take full advantage of Dr. Love's 2 week vacation time and get all of our testing done so that we could hit the new year with a fresh start.

The testing roll call:

-semen analysis: complete. Results=good

-2 hour glucose test: done. Results=passed

-A1C: complete. Results=a little high but still fine

-TSH: done. Results= 1, which means I'm now hyperthyroid. Stopping meds and will recheck in a few weeks.

-HSG:.....:crickets chirping: still waiting for Aunt Flow :(

Currently I am at CD 53 which is just a bit frustrating when I expected to be done with this cycle weeks ago. I took a home pregnancy test this morning and as I expected it came back negative. I haven't had a cycle go this long since going off birth control a year ago. I'm starting to believe that she hibernates during the winter, she is a beast after all. Currently I plan to hold out one more week with a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, something miraculous happened on vacation and it's just too early to tell.

I'm frustrated that I've been on the ball and followed through on everything I can do on my part and yet I wait. I have a plan that I want to put into action but I'm stuck in waiting mode. Hurry up and wait seems to be the theme of my life and I'm tired of it. I understand that life is full of things that are out of our control and we have to be patient, but I'm getting tired of being patient.

I sit and watch as others move on with their plans and yet I'm stuck. I know where I have been and I'm on the cusp of going where I want to be yet I'm stuck. Wait, wait, wait. Patience, patience, patience. I'm ready to get off this merry-go-round to nowhere.

Sugar, sugar; aw honey, honey

Today I took the next step closer to implementing our RE's treatment plan. Today I went in for my list of blood work, including a 2 hour glucose test. I have dreaded this test for years since I have a tendency to melt down when my blood sugar gets too low. My head starts to swim, the room gets foggy, a cranky creature that seems to hide in the dark depths of my psyche comes raging forward.

This in addition to the fact that I don't always do well with blood tests left me dreading how the morning would go. Luckily Dr. Love is on vacation so he was free to come with me in case I was a pitiful mess after everything was done.

The test started with some initial blood draws during which I turned my head as far away as possible from the impending torture my little vein was about to endure. I can't watch as they drain the life from my arm, or rather I can for a few brief moments before everything goes black and I plummet to the floor. Next came my lovely, orange treat of glucola...

Glucola is a akin to concentrated flat orange soda. It's sugary, it's orangey, and it has to be finished in 5 minutes. At first the taste wasn't as revolting as I had anticipated BUT the flavor doesn't grow on you, it actually was quite the opposite. 2/3rds of the way through the bottle I wanted no more and struggled a little bit to finish it all.

"Now if you feel like you're going to throw up let us know so we can have you lay down in the recliner," said the lab tech. "If you throw up you'll have to come back and do it again."

GREAT! What a way to calm my anxiety about the whole thing. Now not only do I have to be on cranky fog watch, I'm on puke alert too for the next two hours.

Dr. Love and I made our way back to the waiting room to get comfortable and who did we happent to sit next to? None other than a high school classmate of Dr. Love with her husband and three adorable kids. After the initial introductions came THE question..."so do you two have kids?" Luckily Dr. Love handled it in stride as we sat and watched her toe-headed one year old girl make friends with everyone in the waiting room.

Two hours and two more pokes later I walked out of the lab puke free, faint free and cranky fog free. I'm calling that a WIN in my book, now we just wait to see if the test results agree.

First comes love, then comes marriage...

Where oh where is my baby carriage?

Dr. Love and I decided early on that we wanted to wait a year until we started trying to have kids. We wanted to enjoy our time together and get to know one another as husband and wife before we became parents. To me that time together is precious as it's the only time you have for just the two of you because once you have kids, no matter how old your kids are, you are forever after Mom and Dad. It just so happened that the end of the waiting period also closely coincided with the start of his residency which meant he would be bringing home a paycheck.


Dr. Love, being the optimist he is, was confident that when we were ready we would have no problems getting pregnant. I dearly wanted to believe him but as the months ticked by with no baby, the ghosts of hormone problems past began to haunt me.

In an effort to either confirm or dispel my fears I turned to charting my basal body temperature (BBT). I'll admit that when I originally contemplated trying to conceive I did not want to chart. I was worried that I would obsess about it and doing so would let the process of conception take over my life. Time and disappointment has a way of changing things. Now I wish I had done it from the very beginning because I would have learned a vital piece of information early on... I don't ovulate, or if I do it's a fairly week one because none of my charts show it clearly. Getting pregnant is difficult when your body doesn't give you an egg to work with.

The next couple weeks brought several blood tests and along with it a diagnosis. Hypothyroid and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). While it was a relief to have evidence that I wasn't just being an impatient hypochondriac, it was tough to put the nail in the proverbial coffin that we'd be able to conceive without any help.

Being that hormones are both delicate and complex, and the fact that I wanted any treatment we had to be closely monitored, we made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). This week, we sat in Dr. M's office discussing our hopes, diagnosis, and treatment. The plan currently consists of clomid, dexamethasone for my elevated testosterone and a trigger shot, but first more tests. I'm hopeful about the plan we have BUT I'm feeling the pinch to get things going. Ideally we would like to have a couple kids during Dr. Love's 3 year residency to take advantage of the favorable maternity coverage, and the window on making this a possibility is closing. I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that we need a bit of medical help but the possible trickle down effect may be hard to swallow. I guess only time will tell.