We're Alive!!!

I am apparently the worst pregnant blogger ever. 

My lame excuse is the baby has invaded the creative writing part of my brain leaving me with an extended case of writer's block.  Truthfully, there also hasn't been much happening over the past few weeks.  After the initial excitement of getting the BFP, seeing the heartbeat, hearing the heartbeat, and making it past the fragile weeks of the first trimester, it's been weeks of just growing and waiting.  Waiting for the BIG scan.  This last week it was time to finally get a good look at our baby, no longer a blob or a gummi bear, but a real baby.

Like any BIG appointment I was a bit nervous going into the ultrasound wondering if they would find something wrong and eager to find out what we are having.  30 minutes and numerous photos later we got the news that our little peanut is healthy and at the time of the scan was weighing in at a strong 8oz. 

Then the big moment came we had been waiting for.   Would we be filling the nursery with frilly things and bows or manly things like cars and trucks?  I am excited to announce.......

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the implications of having a son but it is fun to be able to start planning our boy's nursery and the fun stuff that boys enjoy.  Luckily I have lots of friends and family nearby that are familiar with raising little boys.  We haven't decided on a name just yet but the list of possibilities is getting shorter.

In addition to baby boy being healthy, momma is doing well so far too.  The first trimester ickiness finally seems to be gone with only an occasional short lived reprise.  By the most recent check I am up 6 pounds and I have a bit of a more defined baby bump that people are starting to notice.

So that's the big update for us.  With any luck the baby will give up a little bit of my brain power that I might be able to not go so long between posts.

A second look

Again I apologize for my lack of posts the last couple weeks.  Things have gotten a bit rough, physically speaking, lately.  Then the cherry on top this week was the contraction of some sort of virus that left me fighting off a fever for 24 hours.  Previously I didn't even have the energy to focus on writing; with the virus I could hardly construct a coherent thought let alone write it down.  The last couple days, however, it seems to have slowly turned a corner.  I'm starting to feel better and I can go an evening without falling asleep on the couch.  Hopefully this is just the start of the more enjoyable parts of pregnancy.

Last week Dr Love and I went in for our second ultrasound at the RE to check on the baby's growth.


Baby's 2nd picture...a gummi bear

At 8 weeks 4 days baby was measuring right on track and had a healthy heartbeat of 170bpm.  Even though in my head I knew everything would be fine, it is always comforting to see it in black and white.  After the scan was complete the RE said, "Well everything looks great so I get to graduate you today."  Yay for graduation day!  It was a little bittersweet as I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye to my favorite nurse but I guess that's the way it goes.  On my way out, the nurse gave me a hug and said congratulations.  I told her thank you and to not take it personally but I hope I didn't see them again.  She laughed and agreed then added "but we're here if you need us."  We have our first OB appointment this coming week and I hope this  is the first step in being a normal uneventful pregnant woman.

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This morning was a long awaited occasion.  This morning I took my last progesterone suppository.

No more getting up early to take them so that they have time to be absorbed before I'm up and about.   No more night time dosages.  No more prescription bottles in the fridge.  I'm glad to be done with them, and yet knowing the safety net is gone makes me a tad bit nervous, even though there's no evidence or history that I need to be.  So hear we go supplement free, I hear it's the way to be.



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I mentioned earlier that this week I was struck with a virus and a fever that made me pretty miserable.  Of course it left me wondering if everything was fine with the baby.  We still had over a week until our next appointment but my sister in law had recently given us the doppler she successfully used with her pregnancies.  We tried it for the first time shortly after our last ultrasound (before I became ill) knowing that if we weren't able to find anything it wouldn't be too worrisome since we had just seen the heartbeat flickering away.  Sure enough we weren't able to find it. 

After my fever I really wanted some peace of mind and managed to convince Dr. Love to try finding it again.  He cautioned me that it was still really early and even if I was to come into the clinic at 9.5 weeks he'd warn me he might not find it with their better dopplers.  I took his warning and still wanted to try.  He searched, and I searched.  We searched high, low, left and right.  We twisted and turned the doppler, pushing hard.  The only thing we heard was the slow steady woosh of my heartbeat.  We started to pack things up when Dr. Love paused, "let me try one more time."  It took him probably at least another 5 minutes and the first sign of it would have been easy to miss.  It started as just a faint noise in the background of my heartbeat, but there was no mistaking that there were 2 distinctly different sounds.  Dr. Love slid the doppler over just a smidge and there it was loud and clear all on it's own, the chuga-chuga-chuga of baby's heartbeat.  It was a beautiful sound to hear for the first time that brought a great sense of relief.  Dr. Love was pretty proud of himself too. 

So now we've seen it and we've heard it...now I just have to wait for the day when I can feel it but there's definitely a little person growing.

There's a bean in there.

This week we had our long awaited first ultrasound.  In the days leading up to it I felt excited, nervous and a bit terrified.  What if nothing was there or there was no heartbeat?  This week was extemely busy at work with the day of and after my ultrasound being critical days that I wouldn't be able to take off should we get bad news.  Again Dr. Love comforted me and talked me off my stressful ledge.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  
The appointment started like so many other ultrasound appointments I've had but I anxiously watched the screen praying to see something there.  "There's the yolk sac, and there's the fetal pole, and that little flicker above the cursor is the heartbeat."  Her words were music to my ears and a wave of relief came over me. 

Baby's 1st picture

So far the little bean is measuring right on track and has a perfect little heart beat of 152 bpm.  We have an official due date of March 19th.  It is amazing, albeit still a bit surreal, to know that there's a little person growing in there.  As easily as I cry when I'm stressed or upset, I'm a bit surprised that I didn't shed any tears suring the scan. 

Dr. Love had the day off and when I came home from work to find flowers and a onesie set that I've had my eye on for over a month.  "It's time for us to start getting excited about it," he said as he gave me a big hug.

Since the scan I'm feeling more relaxed and starting to get more excited but I still can't completely belive it's happening.  I'll confess that even though we both really really want this, and we worked so hard to get here I still wonder at times "holy cow what did we just do."  I'm hoping that's pretty normal and will subside as things develop to where I look/feel pregnant and the bean starts looking more like a baby.

Otherwise, how am I feeling?  The nausea is here in almost regular daily waves but so far it hasn't brought its friend vomitting.  Bloat and exhaustion are here too still making it difficult to do anything in the evenings other than be a lump on the couch. 

We go back this next week to get another look and hopefully get our walking papers to graduate from the RE.  I think this next wait will be much easier to bear than the first.

Anyone have a chill pill?

Thank you so much for all of the congrats, best wishes, and kind thoughts you have sent our way.  It means a lot, and I'm glad many of you are sticking with us through the next step in this journey.

First off I apologize for not giving an update sooner.  Work has been busy lately and by the time I get home I don't have energy for much else besides eating dinner.  Since I last posted I've been in the midst of the longest 2WW ever as we wait for our first ultra sound.  Things are still very early but so far I've felt really good.  Seeing as my mom had really difficult pregnancies with lots of morning sickness, to the point my dad says that she looked blue a number of times, I expected to feel pretty miserable from the get go.  In fact when the nurse called me with the second beta results I asked her about morning sickness remedies and bought cereal to keep on my nightstand just in case.  There's still plenty of time for the morning sickness to come, and now that I'm writing this it will probably come storming in as soon as I hit "publish," but the only symptoms I've had are bloating, fuller breasts, and exhaustion.  Give me a blanket and I'll fall asleep on the couch by 9:00. 

All was going well until I woke up last Wednesday and noticed I felt less bloated and not as...how do I say it...chesty.  Of course whether I really was or not is hard to tell but the mere thought was enough to crack the widow open and all my fears came rushing over me.  I told Dr. Love I about my apprehensions and he tried to put them to rest.  "So you are feeling a little better and it is worrying you?" It sounds crazy but it is totally true.  I had a minor (ok maybe it was more major) melt down.  In my mind symptoms easing up meant the hormones causing the symptoms were lessening which then in turn meant something was wrong with the baby.  All sounds perfectly logical, right?  Well apparently not as I'm finding out that in the early stages of pregnancy symptoms can come and go.  Of course I found this out after Dr Love decided to order a third beta draw to see what my levels where and guess what they were perfectly fine, chugging right along as they should.

I wonder if I would be as nervous if we hadn't struggled with IF to get here.  I still haven't bought ANYTHING baby related.  I don't have a ticker up and probably won't until we have our ultrasound.  The only thing I do have is a small little app on my phone.  I want to be clear that I do know I am pregnant and that chances are everything should go just fine as so far I have no physical evidence to the contrary.  BUT I'm not naive.  I know lots of things can happen in the early stages that we may not expect, and I know until I have our little one in my arms nothing about this pregnancy is for certain.   I hate how IF takes away your innocence in this whole matter.  There's a line I found in an article on Resolve.org that I think sums it up well...

The emotional and financial resources expended trying to get pregnant can often create a deep seeded fear of losing the pregnancy or of something going wrong with the baby’s development. 

It's hard to put everything back in Pa.ndora's box once it's been opened.  As things progress, however, I can hope and work to quiet my fears and anxiety.  Until then I need a prescription for one of these...

and maybe some zo.fran.

Surprise, surprise

Short version:
For those who are still battling IF and may be having a bad day I won't beat around the bush.  My one follicle was the lucky one and this week I got a BFP.  I have had a couple of labs drawn since then and everything has come back with strong numbers growing right as they should.

Long version (for those who are interested in all the details):
Wednesday was my scheduled test day.  In the days leading up to it I had mixed feelings but mostly I didn't want to take the test.  The last couple cycles, 2 days after testing Aunt Flow would come to town.  I figured if I just waited a few more days I wouldn't have to go through the disappointment of a negative test.  Unfortunately that plan was thwarted by Dr. Love's good memory.  After getting ready for work, he woke me up from my sleep.

Dr. Love: "Isn't today test day?"

Me: "Yeah, but I think I'm going to skip it."

Dr. Love: "Uh, so when would you test instead?"

Me: "Maybe tomorrow or Friday."

Dr. Love: "Well tomorrow I'm on call, so I don't think that would be a good idea, and Friday's 2 days away."

Me: " <sigh> You want me to test today, don't you?"

I pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom.  For the first few seconds I didn't want to look at the test.  I didn't want to see that stark white staring up at me.  Moments later I knew I had to look at it.  I was shocked to see not 1 but 2 lines developing.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing and just sat there paralyzed for a moment.  When I finally got my wits about me I pulled out the box of digital tests I bought ages ago for just such an occasion.  While the instructions say to wait 3 minutes, "Pregnant" popped up in less than a minute.  Again I was in shock.  I took a few minutes to gather my composure and went back in the bedroom to show Dr. Love.

Me: "Well that's unexpected," as I handed him the sticks.

Dr. Love: "You took two?" then he looked at them..."Wait, really?"  Then he started counting days.  "We're 16 days past trigger, and it's typically out of your system after 10 days....that's all you honey?"

We hugged and I was still numb, shocked; I couldn't believe this was happening.  Even though we were on a medicated cycle, since nothing was different about the medications and my response for our 4th time, I didn't expect much and thought we'd be moving onto a more aggressive plan next cycle.

I called the RE to notify them of my positive and set up days for beta HCG draws.

Beta 1 at 14 days past ovulation: 447

Beta 2  at 16 days past ovulation: 953

Progesterone: 21.2

The numbers suggest that this is a strong pregnancy that should be sustainable.  Obviously I realize that's not a guarantee and a lot of stuff could still happen thus I remain cautiously excited and a bit scared too.  We are very grateful and thrilled to be here and pray that everything goes smoothly.  I'd like to say that the blood test, the bloating, the swollen breasts, and the exhaustion (I've fallen asleep on the couch like 3 times in the last week) have me convinced but it still seems so unreal. 

Our first ultra sound is on August 4th and I hope seeing the little bean on the screen will help it become more real.  While I'm waiting for a more certain due date from my doctor but right now it looks like our lucky charm should be arriving in the middle of March. 

I appreciate the support and encouragement that I have received from blogland during these difficult months and never giving up on me even when I was less than confident.  I hope that you will all stick around as this blog evolves with the pregnancy, but I understand that for some that might not be possible.  I know that in IF, every BFP that isn't yours stings to some degree.  I wish I could take that pain away and hope that many more BFPs are coming in the near future.