Cl.omid cycle #3 and mega follie were not the one. As usual Saturday's test was negative with one lonely line and Sunday AF made it official by storming in. I wish I could say I handled it like a champ and that I have a cheery / hopeful outlook for what lies ahead. I wish I could say that but right now I can't.
In preparation for the possibility that Saturday could be a bad day, Dr Love brainstormed a list of things we could do to get our minds off of the BFN and lift our spirits. First up was a nice 11.5 mile bike ride. We hit the pavement only to find that our path took us head first into the wind. I don't know if you've ever rode into the wind but even a slight wind can make things difficult and a strong wind makes it feel like you're peddling through quicksand. Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but as we rode I felt like it was metaphorical of what we are going through. I wanted to move forward but the forces ahead were working against us. We paused at the crossroads waiting for the road to clear and then I threw everything I had into moving forward. My legs and chest burned and ached but I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to give up and give in to the forces that were making the journey difficult to reach the end. We reached what I had remembered being the last stretch and I was relieved to be near the end but as we continued down the stretch it didn't look like the end. I felt the tears start to well up at the thought of having to go further; my body was exhausted and I didn't think I'd be able to go further if we had to. Just then I saw the end of the path, we were there, we had made it.
Obviously we haven't hit the final stretch on this ride yet. So far it seems we've only come up to a number of crossroads waiting to move forward and throw all we have physically and emotionally into making it through the wind beating against us and down the path hoping this will be the last stretch. Currently I don't see the end in sight but I don't know how much more I have to give.
In light of the recent emotional struggles we've had, Dr Love and I decided that we need to utilize our support resources more. "I see my wife holding on by a thin thread and circling closer to being clinically depressed," Dr Love said. Even though I knew this, it was hard to hear him say it out loud. As such we decided to let Dr. Love's family know about our IF struggle and treatment. It's a relief to know we no longer have to hide from them and that they are in our corner to support us. Since they have gone through this before with my sister in law they understand the pain, heartache, and discouragement that we're going through.
Today I spoke with my nurse to get the plan for the next round. Since we have told them that we would not consider selective reduction in the case of 4 or more embryos, and given my "optimal response" there is no change in my medications or dosages, they think we just need more time. I trust their opinion and I know they want to get us to our end goal of a healthy pregnancy but the prospect of "more time" brought tears to my eyes.
I know I will rediscover my faith and hope in this process but for now I'm just going through the motions, hanging by a thread, and peddling as hard as I can muster the strength to do so.
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Hey there big fella
Not long after I finished my Cl.omid pills last week, I started to feel something. Twinges, pressure and discomfort emanating from the area of my right ovary. The feeling is like an annoying eye twitch, always there and driving you crazy but you know if you could just stop thinking about it, it wouldn't bother you as much. I hoped it was a sign that the meds were working, that something was cooking and all I could do was cross my fingers that it wasn't another cyst. Today I got a peak inside to see what we are working with.
Lefty who has previously been my follicle producing champ showing up each round has decided to take a breather this month and let Righty take care of thing. And what did Righty decide to do when the ball was passed off to her? She gave us one follicle, but oh what a follicle it is. Big, bright and ready to burst at 27mm. For comparison, previous cycles yielded nothing over 20mm at this same point. It's no wonder my right ovary has felt uncomfortable for several days now, she's been hard at work and hopefully giving us something great to work with.
Like last cycle it's only one but I'm not as bothered by it this time. First off it's a big sucker and my nurse was thrilled with it. Secondly with each medicated cycle they've grown bigger quicker. Lastly I take a bit of comfort in knowing that this low dose of meds is getting my body to respond like a natural cycle, one mature follicle from alternating ovaries so I won't burn out on eggs.
So tonight we give mega follie its eviction notice to push it out the door where millions of potential suitors are hoping to be selected for the cellular mambo. I'm feeling good about our chances and can't wait to get this load of my ovary, she's been working hard and I think we both could use a break from the pressure. Two week wait here we come.
Lefty who has previously been my follicle producing champ showing up each round has decided to take a breather this month and let Righty take care of thing. And what did Righty decide to do when the ball was passed off to her? She gave us one follicle, but oh what a follicle it is. Big, bright and ready to burst at 27mm. For comparison, previous cycles yielded nothing over 20mm at this same point. It's no wonder my right ovary has felt uncomfortable for several days now, she's been hard at work and hopefully giving us something great to work with.
Like last cycle it's only one but I'm not as bothered by it this time. First off it's a big sucker and my nurse was thrilled with it. Secondly with each medicated cycle they've grown bigger quicker. Lastly I take a bit of comfort in knowing that this low dose of meds is getting my body to respond like a natural cycle, one mature follicle from alternating ovaries so I won't burn out on eggs.
So tonight we give mega follie its eviction notice to push it out the door where millions of potential suitors are hoping to be selected for the cellular mambo. I'm feeling good about our chances and can't wait to get this load of my ovary, she's been working hard and I think we both could use a break from the pressure. Two week wait here we come.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
I admit I meant to write this post days ago but you know how it goes; life gets busy, you keep popping pills and then holy cow they're almost gone. I'm unsure if I like how routine this is starting to feel. There have been a few panic moments where I have to stop and think "did I take my pills today?" and I always have but since this is our 3rd round it's so routine now that I'm not thinking about it as much and it worries me I'm going to screw things up.
Our treatment for this cycle is the exact same as last time.
-5 tablets of 50mg clomid on CD 3-7
-14 tablets of .5 mg dexamethasone on CD 1-14
-1 shot of Pregnyl to trigger
-50 mg of progesterone suppositories after ovulation
Since I only grew 1 lonely follicle last time I was a bit surprised and disappointed that they didn't bump up the clomid dose but I can understand why.
A)RE's are not in the business to purposefully create multiples. Their main objective is to get us on our way to a healthy pregnancy and in the process of doing that multiples do happen but that's not what they're shooting for.
B)I appreciate their effort to mitigate the risk of cysts that could come with higher doses given how I initially responded and I don't want a repeat of the frustration/pain/downtime that came with that.
C) They apparently we really happy with that 1 follie, the nurse even emphatically called it a "beautiful follicle" when I talked to her for my instructions on cycle day 1.
In the end I have to trust that they know what is best even if it's not quite what I expected. They're the specialists who see it all day, every day, and they know better than I do what could happen. Who knows maybe righty just needed extra time to heal from the 2 cysts and will be ready to rejoin lefty in some quality follicle making fun this go around. All I can do now is wait until my ultrasound on May 26th to if anything is cooking or if we're in a situation of diminishing returns at this dose. I do take comfort in knowing that if my monitoring ultrasound shows no mature follicles, Dr M. has been known to go straight into another round of drugs (if everything else looks good) without waiting for a cycle. As with everything else, only time will tell...I feel like this is becoming my new motto.
Our treatment for this cycle is the exact same as last time.
-5 tablets of 50mg clomid on CD 3-7
-14 tablets of .5 mg dexamethasone on CD 1-14
-1 shot of Pregnyl to trigger
-50 mg of progesterone suppositories after ovulation
Since I only grew 1 lonely follicle last time I was a bit surprised and disappointed that they didn't bump up the clomid dose but I can understand why.
A)RE's are not in the business to purposefully create multiples. Their main objective is to get us on our way to a healthy pregnancy and in the process of doing that multiples do happen but that's not what they're shooting for.
B)I appreciate their effort to mitigate the risk of cysts that could come with higher doses given how I initially responded and I don't want a repeat of the frustration/pain/downtime that came with that.
C) They apparently we really happy with that 1 follie, the nurse even emphatically called it a "beautiful follicle" when I talked to her for my instructions on cycle day 1.
In the end I have to trust that they know what is best even if it's not quite what I expected. They're the specialists who see it all day, every day, and they know better than I do what could happen. Who knows maybe righty just needed extra time to heal from the 2 cysts and will be ready to rejoin lefty in some quality follicle making fun this go around. All I can do now is wait until my ultrasound on May 26th to if anything is cooking or if we're in a situation of diminishing returns at this dose. I do take comfort in knowing that if my monitoring ultrasound shows no mature follicles, Dr M. has been known to go straight into another round of drugs (if everything else looks good) without waiting for a cycle. As with everything else, only time will tell...I feel like this is becoming my new motto.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Swing and a Miss
I was wrong about the last box.
I was wrong about my Easter monitoring appointment resurrecting my fertility.
I was right in not feeling confident about our chances of success these last couple weeks. Of the things I've been wrong about I wished I had been wrong about that.
Even though I expected to see a big ole fat negative it still crushed me in the early morning to see that one little pink line staring up at me without even a glimmer of a partner. I crawled back into bed trying not to wake Dr Love sleeping beside me. 45 minutes later when he woke I rolled over into the nook of his arm and cried as he held me.
The night before as we settled into bed I confessed to him how I was nervous about testing. "I know," he said, "but I'm still optimistic." The next morning as I sniffled and cried into his shoulder it broke my heart to hear how his tune had changed. "This process is so frustrating. I really try to balance things out and be positive for for the both of us but it just keeps getting thrown back in my face."
I think this failed cycle has shaken both of our hope and confidence. I always thought I needed just a little cl.omid, get me to ovulate and we would be on our way to 9 months of pregnant bliss. Now that we're heading into our third medicated cycle I'm left wondering what it is going to take, how far are we going to be pushed, and how much are we going to have to endure to become parents. I feel like the number of chances to do this on our own, out of the stirrups, is running out...and apparently Dr. Love feels similar. During a recent heart-to-heart talk about where we are at and what we think lies ahead. We contemplated how many chances we have left and the possibility of having to move on to IUI, to which Dr. Love commented, "I'm wondering if we got to that point, since you're putting the time and effort into it, why not go all in and go straight to IVF." Unexpectedly, my eyes welled up with tears at the prospect of moving on to IVF at some point. Right now I am not ready to put myself through the physical and emotional strain of IVF. I sincerely hope and pray that I don't have to get to the point where I need to be ready.
Right now I wait for my friend Aunt Flo so that I can find out what the next step is. Given my response of one follicle this second cycle I expect my dose of meds will be increased which makes me nervous about cysts coming back again. I worry about getting in a pattern of increased dose-cyst-forced break-no response. I deeply want to feel positive about this process and I feel bad that Dr. Love has to be positive for the both of us, however, it's hard to be positive when all I see/hear is NO. Whether it is OPK tests or pregnancy tests all I've ever seen are negatives...will I even recognize a positive when it comes around?
In the coming days, hopefully our feelings of hope will spring back and we'll have a more positive outlook on everything.
I was wrong about my Easter monitoring appointment resurrecting my fertility.
I was right in not feeling confident about our chances of success these last couple weeks. Of the things I've been wrong about I wished I had been wrong about that.
Even though I expected to see a big ole fat negative it still crushed me in the early morning to see that one little pink line staring up at me without even a glimmer of a partner. I crawled back into bed trying not to wake Dr Love sleeping beside me. 45 minutes later when he woke I rolled over into the nook of his arm and cried as he held me.
The night before as we settled into bed I confessed to him how I was nervous about testing. "I know," he said, "but I'm still optimistic." The next morning as I sniffled and cried into his shoulder it broke my heart to hear how his tune had changed. "This process is so frustrating. I really try to balance things out and be positive for for the both of us but it just keeps getting thrown back in my face."
I think this failed cycle has shaken both of our hope and confidence. I always thought I needed just a little cl.omid, get me to ovulate and we would be on our way to 9 months of pregnant bliss. Now that we're heading into our third medicated cycle I'm left wondering what it is going to take, how far are we going to be pushed, and how much are we going to have to endure to become parents. I feel like the number of chances to do this on our own, out of the stirrups, is running out...and apparently Dr. Love feels similar. During a recent heart-to-heart talk about where we are at and what we think lies ahead. We contemplated how many chances we have left and the possibility of having to move on to IUI, to which Dr. Love commented, "I'm wondering if we got to that point, since you're putting the time and effort into it, why not go all in and go straight to IVF." Unexpectedly, my eyes welled up with tears at the prospect of moving on to IVF at some point. Right now I am not ready to put myself through the physical and emotional strain of IVF. I sincerely hope and pray that I don't have to get to the point where I need to be ready.
Right now I wait for my friend Aunt Flo so that I can find out what the next step is. Given my response of one follicle this second cycle I expect my dose of meds will be increased which makes me nervous about cysts coming back again. I worry about getting in a pattern of increased dose-cyst-forced break-no response. I deeply want to feel positive about this process and I feel bad that Dr. Love has to be positive for the both of us, however, it's hard to be positive when all I see/hear is NO. Whether it is OPK tests or pregnancy tests all I've ever seen are negatives...will I even recognize a positive when it comes around?
In the coming days, hopefully our feelings of hope will spring back and we'll have a more positive outlook on everything.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Hippitus Hoppitus
I had dealt with the last two weeks in stride and didn't dwell on whether or not I was responding to the treatment. It seemed like a moot point since I wouldn't know one way or another until the ultrasound. Last night, however, all the fears, nerves, and anxiety came spurting up to the surface. I felt relieved that my appointment was first thing this morning so that I wouldn't have my nerves drawn out all day.
In the end the Easter Bunny was a bit stingy. I have one, uno, solamente, mature follicle measuring 20mm...and that's it. Last medicated cycle I had 3...and a cyst...but still that was a really good response for the lowest dose of Clomid so I'm surprised at such a different result this time.
I know ultimately you only NEED one, and maybe this one is better quality than the others, and that I should be happy that I at least have something to work with this cycle.
I know all this.
Regardless, I am kind of disappointed and nervous.
When you're putting the time, money, emotional and physical effort into a medicated cycle you hope for the most successful results, and when it comes down to numbers and probability, higher numbers give you a higher probability of success. I'm not counting this cycle out but I felt much more comfortable last time when I knew we had several candidates to work with.
Then there is the masochistic side of me that has always wanted twins. In my extended family there are a few sets of twins, and though I know there isn't a genetic link to twins, I have been teased about having twins for ages. Over the years the idea has grown on me thus when I found out I would need medical help for ovulation I came to terms with it quickly thinking that maybe this is how we would get our twins. I grew even more comfortable with the notion of twins considering our original desire to have two kids during residency and the proverbial wrench that infertility has thrown into the timing of getting two pregnancies in the remaining time.
So while I am happy to have at least a shot this cycle and that I'm cyst free, I'm a bit disappointed in the lower probability and little to no likelihood of twins. This in turn makes me feel guilty that I am being ungrateful, selfish, and whiny about what I have been given. I feel like an infertile spoiled brat.
"Nutcase, party of one, your emotional bullet train to Crazytown is now departing the station."
In the end I tell myself that things will happen when and how they are supposed to, even if it doesn't happen in the way I had wanted them to. I believe that God knows better than I do what Dr. Love and I need in the long run. Now I only hope that I can find peace in whatever the plan ends up like, because I sure as heck don't know what it is going to be.
Tomorrow we pull the trigger and wait to see if this one is the rock star we've been looking for.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Back in the saddle again
Once again just when I think Mother Nature is a pain in the butt, she shows that she has a small amount of mercy. Cycle 9 was one of my strangest but shortest cycles to date. 22 days! Sure it was unfortunately another anovulatory cycle but wow, 22 days.
Today I went in for my repeat cyst check ultrasound, and I felt so nervous in the hours leading up to the procedure this morning. Luckily the nerves were put to rest as the 2 cysts which spoiled our treatment in Cycle 9 are GONE!! Which means we have the green light on starting up medication again.
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| Source: Photobucket |
My bag o' fun this time includes:
.5mg Dexamethasone from now until cycle day (CD) 14
50 mg Clomid, CD 3-7
A box of ovulation predictor sticks for use starting CD 11
1 shot of Pregnyl HcG trigger
50 mg Progesterone suppositories to be used twice a day during the two week wait.
Funny thing is my mid cycle ultrasound to check my response to the medication and the growth of follicles is scheduled for Easter morning. I'm sure we can draw all kinds of symbolism from that, so far I've come up with:
Hopefully this means my "baskets" will have some good eggs.
Maybe this is where my fertility will be resurrected from the dead.
Is the ultrasound wand the Easter Bunny of my uterus? He better bring me lots of goodies.
What an appropriate way to start off NIAW.
Buckle in tight because this crazy ride is on its way once again.
Buckle in tight because this crazy ride is on its way once again.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Check 1, 2, 3, Check
Yesterday morning I went in for my cycle day 14 ultrasound to monitor the effects of the Clomid. Ever since I started taking my meds I've been eagerly awaiting this day. Much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears I've wanted to know if I'm overstimulating (too hot), not responding at all (too cold), or responding just right.
I'm happy to say that the ultrasound went well and it looks like the state of my ovaries and uterine lining are just right. I have a 19mm follicle on the right, and a 17mm on the left. For good ovulation they want to see follicles over 21mm. At the rate they're growing, those two should definitely be ready to go this week when I trigger ovulation with a shot of HcG and then there's another 12mm on the left that MAY catch up in time but I doubt it. So that's 2, maybe 3, chances at getting pregnant this cycle.
In addition to the good follicles we also found a 3cm hemogenic cyst (that's about the size of a ping pong ball) that has come out of no where in the last couple weeks as it wasn't on my baseline ultrasound. That has me a little nervous but Dr M said it won't interfere in our other plans, we'll just need to keep an eye on it. I'm holding out hope that the cyst will resolve on it's own without rupturing.
All in all I feel very relieved and hopeful after yesterday's appointment. I'm glad that we made the decision to go with a RE in our treatment so that we could know what was going on and direct our course of action and expectations accordingly. Now lets go Turkey hunting!
I'm happy to say that the ultrasound went well and it looks like the state of my ovaries and uterine lining are just right. I have a 19mm follicle on the right, and a 17mm on the left. For good ovulation they want to see follicles over 21mm. At the rate they're growing, those two should definitely be ready to go this week when I trigger ovulation with a shot of HcG and then there's another 12mm on the left that MAY catch up in time but I doubt it. So that's 2, maybe 3, chances at getting pregnant this cycle.
In addition to the good follicles we also found a 3cm hemogenic cyst (that's about the size of a ping pong ball) that has come out of no where in the last couple weeks as it wasn't on my baseline ultrasound. That has me a little nervous but Dr M said it won't interfere in our other plans, we'll just need to keep an eye on it. I'm holding out hope that the cyst will resolve on it's own without rupturing.
All in all I feel very relieved and hopeful after yesterday's appointment. I'm glad that we made the decision to go with a RE in our treatment so that we could know what was going on and direct our course of action and expectations accordingly. Now lets go Turkey hunting!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
And here we go
Ok maybe the Joker isn't the best illustration when it comes to trying to conceive, but I can't say this phrase without it sounding like Heath Ledger and this image going through my head.Our treatment plan is finally officially under way. It took 10 weeks from our initial appointment to get here and I am ready to go. Here's what it will hopefully take to get us on our way to parenthood.
- 14 tablets of .5mg of dexamethasone
- 5 tablets of 50mg of clomid
- 1 shot of Pregnyl (HcG)
- 2 Ultrasounds
As I sit here at the beginning of my treatment I find myself excited with a positive outlook on our chances. I'm looking forward to the possibility of a little turkey for us to be thankful for this November. I want it so bad I can taste it and that scares me. It scares me to think of the possibility that it might not happen. I'm trying not to focus on those fears though, instead I'm praying that I'll make it through the side effects and that it will work. I'm praying for our little gobbler.
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