I was wrong about the last box.
I was wrong about my Easter monitoring appointment resurrecting my fertility.
I was right in not feeling confident about our chances of success these last couple weeks. Of the things I've been wrong about I wished I had been wrong about that.
Even though I expected to see a big ole fat negative it still crushed me in the early morning to see that one little pink line staring up at me without even a glimmer of a partner. I crawled back into bed trying not to wake Dr Love sleeping beside me. 45 minutes later when he woke I rolled over into the nook of his arm and cried as he held me.
The night before as we settled into bed I confessed to him how I was nervous about testing. "I know," he said, "but I'm still optimistic." The next morning as I sniffled and cried into his shoulder it broke my heart to hear how his tune had changed. "This process is so frustrating. I really try to balance things out and be positive for for the both of us but it just keeps getting thrown back in my face."
I think this failed cycle has shaken both of our hope and confidence. I always thought I needed just a little cl.omid, get me to ovulate and we would be on our way to 9 months of pregnant bliss. Now that we're heading into our third medicated cycle I'm left wondering what it is going to take, how far are we going to be pushed, and how much are we going to have to endure to become parents. I feel like the number of chances to do this on our own, out of the stirrups, is running out...and apparently Dr. Love feels similar. During a recent heart-to-heart talk about where we are at and what we think lies ahead. We contemplated how many chances we have left and the possibility of having to move on to IUI, to which Dr. Love commented, "I'm wondering if we got to that point, since you're putting the time and effort into it, why not go all in and go straight to IVF." Unexpectedly, my eyes welled up with tears at the prospect of moving on to IVF at some point. Right now I am not ready to put myself through the physical and emotional strain of IVF. I sincerely hope and pray that I don't have to get to the point where I need to be ready.
Right now I wait for my friend Aunt Flo so that I can find out what the next step is. Given my response of one follicle this second cycle I expect my dose of meds will be increased which makes me nervous about cysts coming back again. I worry about getting in a pattern of increased dose-cyst-forced break-no response. I deeply want to feel positive about this process and I feel bad that Dr. Love has to be positive for the both of us, however, it's hard to be positive when all I see/hear is NO. Whether it is OPK tests or pregnancy tests all I've ever seen are negatives...will I even recognize a positive when it comes around?
In the coming days, hopefully our feelings of hope will spring back and we'll have a more positive outlook on everything.