Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hey there big fella

Not long after I finished my Cl.omid pills last week, I started to feel something.  Twinges, pressure and discomfort emanating from the area of my right ovary.  The feeling is like an annoying eye twitch, always there and driving you crazy but you know if you could just stop thinking about it, it wouldn't bother you as much.  I hoped it was a sign that the meds were working, that something was cooking and all I could do was cross my fingers that it wasn't another cyst.  Today I got a peak inside to see what we are working with. 

Lefty who has previously been my follicle producing champ showing up each round has decided to take a breather this month and let Righty take care of thing.  And what did Righty decide to do when the ball was passed off to her?  She gave us one follicle, but oh what a follicle it is.  Big, bright and ready to burst at 27mm.  For comparison, previous cycles yielded nothing over 20mm at this same point.  It's no wonder my right ovary has felt uncomfortable for several days now, she's been hard at work and hopefully giving us something great to work with. 

Like last cycle it's only one but I'm not as bothered by it this time.  First off it's a big sucker and my nurse was thrilled with it.  Secondly with each medicated cycle they've grown bigger quicker.  Lastly I take a bit of comfort in knowing that this low dose of meds is getting my body to respond like a natural cycle, one mature follicle from alternating ovaries so I won't burn out on eggs. 

So tonight we give mega follie its eviction notice to push it out the door where millions of potential suitors are hoping to be selected for the cellular mambo.  I'm feeling good about our chances and can't wait to get this load of my ovary, she's been working hard and I think we both could use a break from the pressure.  Two week wait here we come.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Welcome May ICLW

It is that time again, time for the round robin of comments, conversation and virtual hugs we like to call IComLeavWe.  I can't believe how fast time flies and that it's already here again.  This is my second time participating and I'm looking forward to find some new blog friends.

If you are new to these parts there is a complete synopsis of our journey so far under the tab "How did we get here?"  Currently we are in the midst of our third round of Cl.omid treatment in the hopes that we can overcome my PCOS and get my ovaries to cooperate with our desire to add our first child to our little family.  As if any cycle didn't have some element of pressure, I'm feeling an added measure of pressure this time as my heart and head are telling me that we are running out of opportunities to do this on our own with out additional medical assistance and I am clinging to the desire to do this on our own out of the stirrups. 

My partner in crime on this journey is Dr. Love, a family medicine resident on the verge of finishing up his intern year.  We have been married for almost 2.5 years and I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather have at my side. 

Thanks for coming by, I hope to see you around here again.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I admit I meant to write this post days ago but you know how it goes; life gets busy, you keep popping pills and then holy cow they're almost gone. I'm unsure if I like how routine this is starting to feel. There have been a few panic moments where I have to stop and think "did I take my pills today?" and I always have but since this is our 3rd round it's so routine now that I'm not thinking about it as much and it worries me I'm going to screw things up.

Our treatment for this cycle is the exact same as last time.
-5 tablets of 50mg clomid on CD 3-7
-14 tablets of .5 mg dexamethasone on CD 1-14
-1 shot of Pregnyl to trigger
-50 mg of progesterone suppositories after ovulation

Since I only grew 1 lonely follicle last time I was a bit surprised and disappointed that they didn't bump up the clomid dose but I can understand why.
A)RE's are not in the business to purposefully create multiples. Their main objective is to get us on our way to a healthy pregnancy and in the process of doing that multiples do happen but that's not what they're shooting for.

B)I appreciate their effort to mitigate the risk of cysts that could come with higher doses given how I initially responded and I don't want a repeat of the frustration/pain/downtime that came with that.

C) They apparently we really happy with that 1 follie, the nurse even emphatically called it a "beautiful follicle" when I talked to her for my instructions on cycle day 1.

In the end I have to trust that they know what is best even if it's not quite what I expected. They're the specialists who see it all day, every day, and they know better than I do what could happen. Who knows maybe righty just needed extra time to heal from the 2 cysts and will be ready to rejoin lefty in some quality follicle making fun this go around. All I can do now is wait until my ultrasound on May 26th to if anything is cooking or if we're in a situation of diminishing returns at this dose. I do take comfort in knowing that if my monitoring ultrasound shows no mature follicles, Dr M. has been known to go straight into another round of drugs (if everything else looks good) without waiting for a cycle. As with everything else, only time will tell...I feel like this is becoming my new motto.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Swing and a Miss

I was wrong about the last box.
I was wrong about my Easter monitoring appointment resurrecting my fertility.

I was right in not feeling confident about our chances of success these last couple weeks.  Of the things I've been wrong about I wished I had been wrong about that. 

Even though I expected to see a big ole fat negative it still crushed me in the early morning to see that one little pink line staring up at me without even a glimmer of a partner.  I crawled back into bed trying not to wake Dr Love sleeping beside me.  45 minutes later when he woke I rolled over into the nook of his arm and cried as he held me. 

The night before as we settled into bed I confessed to him how I was nervous about testing.  "I know," he said, "but I'm still optimistic."  The next morning as I sniffled and cried into his shoulder it broke my heart to hear how his tune had changed.  "This process is so frustrating.  I really try to balance things out and be positive for for the both of us but it just keeps getting thrown back in my face."

I think this failed cycle has shaken both of our hope and confidence.  I always thought I needed just a little cl.omid, get me to ovulate and we would be on our way to 9 months of pregnant bliss.  Now that we're heading into our third medicated cycle I'm left wondering what it is going to take, how far are we going to be pushed, and how much are we going to have to endure to become parents.  I feel like the number of chances to do this on our own, out of the stirrups, is running out...and apparently Dr. Love feels similar.  During a recent heart-to-heart talk about where we are at and what we think lies ahead.  We contemplated how many chances we have left and the possibility of having to move on to IUI, to which Dr. Love commented, "I'm wondering if we got to that point, since you're putting the time and effort into it, why not go all in and go straight to IVF."  Unexpectedly, my eyes welled up with tears at the prospect of moving on to IVF at some point.  Right now I am not ready to put myself through the physical and emotional strain of IVF.  I sincerely hope and pray that I don't have to get to the point where I need to be ready. 

Right now I wait for my friend Aunt Flo so that I can find out what the next step is.  Given my response of one follicle this second cycle I expect my dose of meds will be increased which makes me nervous about cysts coming back again.  I worry about getting in a pattern of increased dose-cyst-forced break-no response.  I deeply want to feel positive about this process and I feel bad that Dr. Love has to be positive for the both of us, however, it's hard to be positive when all I see/hear is NO.  Whether it is OPK tests or pregnancy tests all I've ever seen are negatives...will I even recognize a positive when it comes around? 

In the coming days, hopefully our feelings of hope will spring back and we'll have a more positive outlook on everything. 

Dang it Blogger!

For those that don't know, Blogger had a hiccup Wednesday night during some scheduled maintenance. Somehow I was able to publish a post yesterday morning bragging about Dr. Love's stellar job on my birthday, but then the Blogger Gods reverted the service back to a pre-hiccup time of Wednesday morning thereby sending yesterday's post (along with its lovely comments) and a draft I had planned to publish today into some mysterious black hole. The Blogger Gods reportedly have access to this black hole and are in the process of restoring posts, comments, and drafts to their appropriate place in the blog space/time continuum.

Soooo in the mean time I'm waiting not so patiently for things to be restored. I'm not trying to be dramatic and keep anyone in suspense, I just don't think I can effectively re-create today's post with the same emotion. Then there's the point that it would be just my luck to go through the steps of re-creating said posts only to then have the originals come back right as I published their poor replacements. It's like when there's a power outage and right at the moment you find the flashlights after fumbling around in the dark, risking bodily injury from chairs/tables/cupboards shrouded in darkness...the power comes back on.

Hopefully we're back to our regularly scheduled posting soon....possibly after the bad luck of Friday the 13th leaves. Coincidence? I wonder.....

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

I appologize for going underground, M.I.A., AWOL for the past week. I wish I could say I've been off galavanting around the country or something else really exciting but I haven't. In all honesty the hormones have played a messy game with my emotions the last few days. Bummed, frustrated, cranky, it's been a revolving door of feelings not entirely of the uplifting sort that have made it difficult to be inspired to write anything. So while I'm still not back to my usual self I figured the least I could do is write about my birthday.

Last week I turned 29 and entered the last year of my twenties. I had to work on my birthday and historically Dr Love has a good track record of sending me flowers. I waited and waited but no delivery came. As I drove home I told myself I shouldn't have expected him to send me flowers and that it didn't mean he'd forgotten me. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the house to find not 1, not 2, but 3 bouquets of flowers around the house for me.

"I thought you deserved a house full of flowers," Dr Love said.

In addition to a house full of flowers, he gave me an accessory for my camera, and he made my nickname official with this....

a fleece jacket from our residency program with my name all over it. One of the billing administrators embroidered them for everyone and apparently Dr Love's request for mine got some mixed reactions; some thought it was a funny, a couple thought it was sad. Regardless the jacket is warm and I think my status as residency widow has been officially spread among the program.

Now after multiple nights of dinners with family and friends, and far too much cake, the birthday festivities are over. I'm looking forward at the next year, my 29th year, and the things I hope to accomplish in the next year, the dreams I hope come true, and where I hope to be when 30 rolls around. Here's hoping 29 is a great year and that they each get better than the last.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Lady in Waiting

Here I am again in the thick of the dreaded two week wait (2WW).  This is only my 2nd official 2WW in the year that we have been on the TTC train, so it is not quite as torturous as I imagine it would be if this was my 12th.  Currently I am 9 days post trigger shot which means I could be 7-8 days past ovulation though I don't know exactly since I said goodbye to the bbt this cycle.  My first 2WW only lasted 10 days after ovulation which was a big surprise and just a bit too short as an ideal luteal phase (the time between ovulation and menses) is 12-16 days.  Thus the next couple days I'm going to be holding my breath and crossing my fingers that the progesterone supplements will do their job to stretch that out to give any potential embryo(s) time to snuggle in tight without pulling the rug from under it/them.

Speaking of progesterone supplements, I've been taking them for less than a week and the twice a day bit is already getting old.  This does not bode well considering if we do "meet our goal" (as the RE's office likes to call it) I'll need to keep shooting the vaginal suppositories up there until 9 weeks.  Obviously I'll do what I need to but, ugh, this routine is less than ideal (haha what else is new).  The night time dose is fine; it's the morning one that's slightly annoying as I get up 30-45 minutes before my usual time, drag my half awake self down the stairs to the fridge to retrieve a dose, stumble back up the stairs to our bathroom to take it, then slide back into bed until my normal wake up time to give the "fun pill" time to melt (yuck) and be absorbed.  Doesn't that sound like a blast every morning for possibly 10-11 weeks?  Good grief I just realized that's almost 3 months of these suckers.  ::chanting:: It will all be worth it, it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it.
This 2WW is also momentous since:

> We will hit our 1 year TTC-iversary.

> I will celebrate my 29th birthday.  Yikes!

> It will be my first Mother's Day as a bonafide infertile.

The next 7 days I'm going to try to keep myself busy and not dwell on it which shouldn't be too hard since while I'm not counting this cycle out yet I haven't felt overly confident about it since the monitoring ultrasound.  To liken it to baking, we're just waiting to see if the dough will raise.  Hopefully the yeast was alive, hopefully the water was the right temperature, and hopefully we gave the yeast the appropriate food needed to work its magic, but right now all we can do is wait to see if we have a bun to put in the oven.