Monday, June 13, 2011

Strike 3

Cl.omid cycle  #3 and mega follie were not the one.  As usual Saturday's test was negative with one lonely line and Sunday AF made it official by storming in.  I wish I could say I handled it like a champ and that I have a cheery / hopeful outlook for what lies ahead.  I wish I could say that but right now I can't.

In preparation for the possibility that Saturday could be a bad day, Dr Love brainstormed a list of things we could do to get our minds off of the BFN and lift our spirits.  First up was a nice 11.5 mile bike ride.  We hit the pavement only to find that our path took us head first into the wind.  I don't know if you've ever rode into the wind but even a slight wind can make things difficult and a strong wind makes it feel like you're peddling through quicksand.  Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but as we rode I felt like it was metaphorical of what we are going through.  I wanted to move forward but the forces ahead were working against us.  We paused at the crossroads waiting for the road to clear and then I threw everything I had into moving forward.  My legs and chest burned and ached but I didn't want to stop.  I didn't want to give up and give in to the forces that were making the journey difficult to reach the end.  We reached what I had remembered being the last stretch and I was relieved to be near the end but as we continued down the stretch it didn't look like the end.  I felt the tears start to well up at the thought of having to go further; my body was exhausted and I didn't think I'd be able to go further if we had to.  Just then I saw the end of the path, we were there, we had made it.

Obviously we haven't hit the final stretch on this ride yet.  So far it seems we've only come up to a number of crossroads waiting to move forward and throw all we have physically and emotionally into making it through the wind beating against us and down the path hoping this will be the last stretch.  Currently I don't see the end in sight but I don't know how much more I have to give.

In light of the recent emotional struggles we've had, Dr Love and I decided that we need to utilize our support resources more.  "I see my wife holding on by a thin thread and circling closer to being clinically depressed," Dr Love said.  Even though I knew this, it was hard to hear him say it out loud.  As such we decided to let Dr. Love's family know about our IF struggle and treatment.  It's a relief to know we no longer have to hide from them and that they are in our corner to support us.  Since they have gone through this before with my sister in law they understand the pain, heartache, and discouragement that we're going through.

Today I spoke with my nurse to get the plan for the next round.  Since we have told them that we would not consider selective reduction in the case of 4 or more embryos, and given my "optimal response" there is no change in my medications or dosages, they think we just need more time.  I trust their opinion and I know they want to get us to our end goal of a healthy pregnancy but the prospect of "more time" brought tears to my eyes.

I know I will rediscover my faith and hope in this process but for now I'm just going through the motions, hanging by a thread, and peddling as hard as I can muster the strength to do so.


  1. Hang in there RW! I'm sending my hugs and remember you aren't alone in this struggle. Not only do you have Dr. Love and all of us! I too have wavering faith, today is one of those days. Hang in there, that BFP is coming!

  2. Sending you lots of strength. IF is tough and being a RW is tough, but stick together the best you can because there is indeed strength in numbers. Hope his family is supportive and end up being people you can lean on to help hold you up. Hoping the end of your road in the form of BFP is just around the corner!

  3. I'm glad you decided to share your struggle with family. Too often we try to do it all alone when there are people willing and able to provide the support that we so desperately need and those are the same people we shut out. I don't know why that is, but we do it (or at least I do it), too. Did you see the article about dealing with IF in the Ensign a few months ago? It was in the April issue "Faith and Infertility". It was really good.

  4. @ Wife of a Resident - Thanks for the article suggestion. I hadn't seen that one. Last night my mother in law gave me the May/June issue of LDS Living which had some articles on infertility so I guess I have some reading to do.

  5. I'm so sorry... what an emotional and metaphorical ride after such heartbreaking news. I do hope that the finish line on your journey toward children comes quickly in the same way.

    Just to let you know, I was more depressed on Clomid than any other form of treatment. I did six rounds of it (one with an IUI), and that was too many for me. There are other options that are more expensive but I think also more bearable - for us it was Follistim before moving onto all the additional drugs of an IVF cycle. We were in the same place - we aren't willing to reduce selectively and my family has a history of miscarriage, so my OB and FS kept me on lower doses of Clomid... it was just not the treatment for us. Wishing you the best.


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