Strike 3

Cl.omid cycle  #3 and mega follie were not the one.  As usual Saturday's test was negative with one lonely line and Sunday AF made it official by storming in.  I wish I could say I handled it like a champ and that I have a cheery / hopeful outlook for what lies ahead.  I wish I could say that but right now I can't.

In preparation for the possibility that Saturday could be a bad day, Dr Love brainstormed a list of things we could do to get our minds off of the BFN and lift our spirits.  First up was a nice 11.5 mile bike ride.  We hit the pavement only to find that our path took us head first into the wind.  I don't know if you've ever rode into the wind but even a slight wind can make things difficult and a strong wind makes it feel like you're peddling through quicksand.  Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but as we rode I felt like it was metaphorical of what we are going through.  I wanted to move forward but the forces ahead were working against us.  We paused at the crossroads waiting for the road to clear and then I threw everything I had into moving forward.  My legs and chest burned and ached but I didn't want to stop.  I didn't want to give up and give in to the forces that were making the journey difficult to reach the end.  We reached what I had remembered being the last stretch and I was relieved to be near the end but as we continued down the stretch it didn't look like the end.  I felt the tears start to well up at the thought of having to go further; my body was exhausted and I didn't think I'd be able to go further if we had to.  Just then I saw the end of the path, we were there, we had made it.

Obviously we haven't hit the final stretch on this ride yet.  So far it seems we've only come up to a number of crossroads waiting to move forward and throw all we have physically and emotionally into making it through the wind beating against us and down the path hoping this will be the last stretch.  Currently I don't see the end in sight but I don't know how much more I have to give.

In light of the recent emotional struggles we've had, Dr Love and I decided that we need to utilize our support resources more.  "I see my wife holding on by a thin thread and circling closer to being clinically depressed," Dr Love said.  Even though I knew this, it was hard to hear him say it out loud.  As such we decided to let Dr. Love's family know about our IF struggle and treatment.  It's a relief to know we no longer have to hide from them and that they are in our corner to support us.  Since they have gone through this before with my sister in law they understand the pain, heartache, and discouragement that we're going through.

Today I spoke with my nurse to get the plan for the next round.  Since we have told them that we would not consider selective reduction in the case of 4 or more embryos, and given my "optimal response" there is no change in my medications or dosages, they think we just need more time.  I trust their opinion and I know they want to get us to our end goal of a healthy pregnancy but the prospect of "more time" brought tears to my eyes.

I know I will rediscover my faith and hope in this process but for now I'm just going through the motions, hanging by a thread, and peddling as hard as I can muster the strength to do so.