Blue

I'm apologize for being such a bad blogger lately.  Hopefully there are a few of you still around and not all my readers have left.  Truth be told I've felt a little like this recently....

Sad, down, blue, depressed.  I'd like to say it's due to the hormones but I think that would be a bit of a cop out as I've had these feelings, albeit in fluctuating levels, for some time now though they've recently hit a high (or perhaps more appropriately a low) point.  As such I've had a difficult time thinking of anything to write lately. 

Now some may say that it is understandable and even a bit expected to feel depressed from time to time when dealing with infertility but the root of it is more than just our infertility.  Sure that is part of it but that is not where my frustrations with my body end.  Like most women I have struggled with my weight since getting married and my condition plus the medications make the struggle increasingly difficult.  I eat well...most of the time, and I've made an effort to add regular exercise into my weeks which is where my body thwarts my worthy intentions yet again mainly in the form of persistent and unrelenting shins splints despite stretches and new shoes.  I have so many good things I want to do but my body just keeps saying no. 

In addition to my frustrations with my body I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with my job.  The subject matter in itself is steadily losing interest to me and the environment feels cold and detached which I find odd when there are only five of us.  This is my first time working for a small office and everything I had heard lead me to believe it would a tight cohesive environment full of teamwork where everyone looked out for each other.  After being here for almost 18 months I realize it is not, it's actually quite the opposite and feels very individualistic and impersonal.  I work hard but I feel as though most days it wouldn't matter if I showed up and thus it's getting harder to convince myself to do so.  The obvious answer here is to find something else but fact of the matter is I don't know what I would like to do which is probably due in part to the last aspect of my blue mood.

Aside from my marriage (which is still healthy and strong), I feel like I've lost sight of what makes me happy.  I haven't been inspired to do much cooking, photography, crafty projects or write.  The general joie de vivre has dimmed and I don't know how to get it back but I know that I do want it back.  I do want to be happy with myself and have my passions back in my life but I'm struggling to know how to light that spark again.

Lastly I'm a bit afraid of what the results of this last treatment cycle will bring as I'm not sure how I would take another BFN in my current emotional state.  I know I have to test to find out but I'm dreading it.  I'm dreading those long minutes where you wait to find out if the weeks of medications and appointments have been worth it.

So that's it.  That's where I'm at.  I wanted to let anyone still reading out there know I hadn't abandoned the blog and give some reason for the radio silence.  Let's face it blogging can be a cheap form of therapy too.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'll have much better news to share in a couple days.