Thursday was officially dubbed St. Match-ricks Day as med students and residency programs around the country found out who their new intern class would be. For days they knew that they had matched but it wasn't until then that they learned the where.
We waited with baited breath for the list to come out. When the list finally showed up in my email from Dr. Love, I quickly scanned the pictures to see if I could find the husband of my interview crush. I looked and I looked, and he wasn't there. Then I noticed something interesting about the class....
Out of the 9 spots available, 7 were women.
We're a MD residency program, yet 5 of the interns are from DO schools.
One of the interns is in her 40's.
I realize that this is a very interesting class in terms of demographics and diversity. In the long run it could bring a different flavor to the program. Regardless my heart sank when I realized the people I was hoping for weren't there, and further more the 2 men are single. As a result, no new wives are coming.
I knew that the absence of spousal support had bothered me, but it wasn't until I saw that no new wives were coming that I realized how much it bothered me. The weight of loneliness that had been quietly growing was thrust into the forefront, crushing me under its weight. I buckled. I broke. It caught me by surprise.
I'm cognizant of the fact that all the hormones running through my body at the time probably are to blame for amplifying everything I was feeling. None the less, the absence of wives lit the fuse of an emotional dirty bomb that consumed me in a mushroom cloud of any frustrations I had felt recently.
Boom: I don't fit in at our residency program
Bang: I don't fit in with my friends
Crash: I don't fit in with the other women at church
Kablam: I don't fit in at work.
It is strange to feel so loved at home and yet feel out of place in so many other realms of my life. Maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much.
I know this post sounds kind of depressing on a day that is so exciting and full of jubilation for many others. I'm sorry, really I am. I'll get there one day too as I've over the last few days I've tried to climb out of this hole and I'm just hoping for something to grab on to that will help get me over the top.
hang in there! it's awful, im sure, but there's always a reason, right? and who knows, maybe you'll make friends with and through the new interns even???
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't understand this post so well. I'm sorry. It is hard not fitting in. I find myself relying on my online friends a lot too. I really hope you can find the support you need. Let me know if you ever need to talk. :)
ReplyDeleteMelisa- Thank you for the kind words. It's funny and beautiful how we can find comfort in internet strangers.
ReplyDeleteIt is really nice to find connections with people who understand, however we find them. :)
ReplyDeletei stumbled upon your blog from lives of doctor wives....this post gave me goosebumps. i could have written it myself. we are about to start ortho residency in june and of the 5 interns, all are men and only 2 (including my dh) are married....i am really hoping the other wife wants a new friend. i sure am going to need it. i look forward to following you on here!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mrs T for stopping by and for the kind comment. I hope I didn't worry you too much. Your program might be very different in how they involve spouses, not just with the intern class but with the residency as a whole. Unfortunately it's one of those things you don't really know until you dig into it. Here's wishing you find wife friends in Ortho, but if not there seems to be a lot of us in the lonely boat.
ReplyDeleteI Stumbled upon your blog from lives of Doctor wives too. MY hubby is in his 3rd year MS. And I totally feel the same way. We are the only students in our ward and they have never had a medical student in our ward at church. We are living about a half hour away from school. Rent is cheaper. I feel the same exact way. Kinda like I am alone and no one really understands what is like no matter how hard you try to tell them. Thanks for your words it is good to hear that I am not the only one that feels like an outcast.
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