Thursday was officially dubbed St. Match-ricks Day as med students and residency programs around the country found out who their new intern class would be. For days they knew that they had matched but it wasn't until then that they learned the where.
We waited with baited breath for the list to come out. When the list finally showed up in my email from Dr. Love, I quickly scanned the pictures to see if I could find the husband of my interview crush. I looked and I looked, and he wasn't there. Then I noticed something interesting about the class....
Out of the 9 spots available, 7 were women.
We're a MD residency program, yet 5 of the interns are from DO schools.
One of the interns is in her 40's.
I realize that this is a very interesting class in terms of demographics and diversity. In the long run it could bring a different flavor to the program. Regardless my heart sank when I realized the people I was hoping for weren't there, and further more the 2 men are single. As a result, no new wives are coming.
I knew that the absence of spousal support had bothered me, but it wasn't until I saw that no new wives were coming that I realized how much it bothered me. The weight of loneliness that had been quietly growing was thrust into the forefront, crushing me under its weight. I buckled. I broke. It caught me by surprise.
I'm cognizant of the fact that all the hormones running through my body at the time probably are to blame for amplifying everything I was feeling. None the less, the absence of wives lit the fuse of an emotional dirty bomb that consumed me in a mushroom cloud of any frustrations I had felt recently.
Boom: I don't fit in at our residency program
Bang: I don't fit in with my friends
Crash: I don't fit in with the other women at church
Kablam: I don't fit in at work.
It is strange to feel so loved at home and yet feel out of place in so many other realms of my life. Maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much.
I know this post sounds kind of depressing on a day that is so exciting and full of jubilation for many others. I'm sorry, really I am. I'll get there one day too as I've over the last few days I've tried to climb out of this hole and I'm just hoping for something to grab on to that will help get me over the top.