A second look

Again I apologize for my lack of posts the last couple weeks.  Things have gotten a bit rough, physically speaking, lately.  Then the cherry on top this week was the contraction of some sort of virus that left me fighting off a fever for 24 hours.  Previously I didn't even have the energy to focus on writing; with the virus I could hardly construct a coherent thought let alone write it down.  The last couple days, however, it seems to have slowly turned a corner.  I'm starting to feel better and I can go an evening without falling asleep on the couch.  Hopefully this is just the start of the more enjoyable parts of pregnancy.

Last week Dr Love and I went in for our second ultrasound at the RE to check on the baby's growth.


Baby's 2nd picture...a gummi bear

At 8 weeks 4 days baby was measuring right on track and had a healthy heartbeat of 170bpm.  Even though in my head I knew everything would be fine, it is always comforting to see it in black and white.  After the scan was complete the RE said, "Well everything looks great so I get to graduate you today."  Yay for graduation day!  It was a little bittersweet as I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye to my favorite nurse but I guess that's the way it goes.  On my way out, the nurse gave me a hug and said congratulations.  I told her thank you and to not take it personally but I hope I didn't see them again.  She laughed and agreed then added "but we're here if you need us."  We have our first OB appointment this coming week and I hope this  is the first step in being a normal uneventful pregnant woman.

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This morning was a long awaited occasion.  This morning I took my last progesterone suppository.

No more getting up early to take them so that they have time to be absorbed before I'm up and about.   No more night time dosages.  No more prescription bottles in the fridge.  I'm glad to be done with them, and yet knowing the safety net is gone makes me a tad bit nervous, even though there's no evidence or history that I need to be.  So hear we go supplement free, I hear it's the way to be.



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I mentioned earlier that this week I was struck with a virus and a fever that made me pretty miserable.  Of course it left me wondering if everything was fine with the baby.  We still had over a week until our next appointment but my sister in law had recently given us the doppler she successfully used with her pregnancies.  We tried it for the first time shortly after our last ultrasound (before I became ill) knowing that if we weren't able to find anything it wouldn't be too worrisome since we had just seen the heartbeat flickering away.  Sure enough we weren't able to find it. 

After my fever I really wanted some peace of mind and managed to convince Dr. Love to try finding it again.  He cautioned me that it was still really early and even if I was to come into the clinic at 9.5 weeks he'd warn me he might not find it with their better dopplers.  I took his warning and still wanted to try.  He searched, and I searched.  We searched high, low, left and right.  We twisted and turned the doppler, pushing hard.  The only thing we heard was the slow steady woosh of my heartbeat.  We started to pack things up when Dr. Love paused, "let me try one more time."  It took him probably at least another 5 minutes and the first sign of it would have been easy to miss.  It started as just a faint noise in the background of my heartbeat, but there was no mistaking that there were 2 distinctly different sounds.  Dr. Love slid the doppler over just a smidge and there it was loud and clear all on it's own, the chuga-chuga-chuga of baby's heartbeat.  It was a beautiful sound to hear for the first time that brought a great sense of relief.  Dr. Love was pretty proud of himself too. 

So now we've seen it and we've heard it...now I just have to wait for the day when I can feel it but there's definitely a little person growing.

There's a bean in there.

This week we had our long awaited first ultrasound.  In the days leading up to it I felt excited, nervous and a bit terrified.  What if nothing was there or there was no heartbeat?  This week was extemely busy at work with the day of and after my ultrasound being critical days that I wouldn't be able to take off should we get bad news.  Again Dr. Love comforted me and talked me off my stressful ledge.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  
The appointment started like so many other ultrasound appointments I've had but I anxiously watched the screen praying to see something there.  "There's the yolk sac, and there's the fetal pole, and that little flicker above the cursor is the heartbeat."  Her words were music to my ears and a wave of relief came over me. 

Baby's 1st picture

So far the little bean is measuring right on track and has a perfect little heart beat of 152 bpm.  We have an official due date of March 19th.  It is amazing, albeit still a bit surreal, to know that there's a little person growing in there.  As easily as I cry when I'm stressed or upset, I'm a bit surprised that I didn't shed any tears suring the scan. 

Dr. Love had the day off and when I came home from work to find flowers and a onesie set that I've had my eye on for over a month.  "It's time for us to start getting excited about it," he said as he gave me a big hug.

Since the scan I'm feeling more relaxed and starting to get more excited but I still can't completely belive it's happening.  I'll confess that even though we both really really want this, and we worked so hard to get here I still wonder at times "holy cow what did we just do."  I'm hoping that's pretty normal and will subside as things develop to where I look/feel pregnant and the bean starts looking more like a baby.

Otherwise, how am I feeling?  The nausea is here in almost regular daily waves but so far it hasn't brought its friend vomitting.  Bloat and exhaustion are here too still making it difficult to do anything in the evenings other than be a lump on the couch. 

We go back this next week to get another look and hopefully get our walking papers to graduate from the RE.  I think this next wait will be much easier to bear than the first.

One is the loneliest number

Last weekend it was time once again for my monitoring ultra sound.  If nothing else at least it feels like this cycle is passing quickly.  As usual, I started to feel nervous in the hours leading up to the scan.  I won't drag it out and leave you in suspense, the results were nothing new.  One single 19mm follicle on the left ovary and good uterine lining.  I think we have successfully established that this 50mg dose of Cl.omid just gets me up to operating at a "normal" level of one follicle with alternating ovaries.  Normal is great...if you haven't been working at this for over a year already and had hoped to be pregnant several cycles ago.  I think we've finally established that if we aren't successful this round that we'll be doing something different next cycle, though I'm not counting us out this time around.

I did have a brief infertile panic attack before my appointment.  My doctor's office calls my trigger shot and progesterone supplements into a small specialty pharmacy that has a location right above their office.  I don't typically use this pharmacy for other medications and I usually only stop by when I have an appointment at my RE's.  Since my Saturday monitoring appointment was the first time I was going to be at the office this cycle I figured I would make one stop and show up a few minutes early to pick up my prescription before my appointment.  So imagine my surprise when I walked up to the pharmacy to find the door locked, the lights turned off and a sign that read they were open Monday through Friday.  My heart started to race as fears that I had just ruined the cycle filled my head.  I sent an urgent text message to my father, a pharmacy manager at one of the big pharmacy chains, to see if they happened to regularly stock the meds...they don't.  It was an IF nightmare, following my protocol to a T and putting myself through 2 weeks of hormones only to drop the ball at the goal line.  Luckily my nurse saved the day as she remembered that the specialty pharmacy had a location a half hour away that was open until 12:30 on Saturdays.   With the clock ticking away, once my appointment was done I hustled to get across town before they closed.  I made it just in time and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't screwed up the rest of our cycle.  I guess I will be making a point to get to the pharmacy sooner the next time around...if there is a next time around.

In addition to my panic attack I did get a nice little surprise while sitting in the waiting room.  Dr Love was on call that day so I went to the appointment by myself, which wasn't anything new as I've attended most of the appointments alone.  In the midst of trying to solve my shot dilemma I received a text from Dr Love that he was on his way.  The senior residents were kind enough to cover the floor for a hour in order for Dr Love to be able to come.  Even though it was only for a short period of time I know we both appreciated the fact that he was able to be there.  He wants to be involved but like a lot of husbands whose wives are having fertility treatments, he struggles with feeling out of control of the situation.  He's not the one taking the medications, dealing with the side-effects, or having regular dates with Wanda (the vag cam).  The only thing he can do is be supportive and one of the ways he can do that is to come to my appointments but his schedule has made it difficult to do that.  He definitely paid for that hour off the rest of the day and evening as there was a never ending stream of patients/admits at the hospital once he returned.  Regardless I think he'd say it was worth it to be there with me.

Now we wait to see if we finally got that winning follicle.  At the very least I find comfort that if we don't, we will have a more aggressive approach next round.  Fingers crossed.  

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I admit I meant to write this post days ago but you know how it goes; life gets busy, you keep popping pills and then holy cow they're almost gone. I'm unsure if I like how routine this is starting to feel. There have been a few panic moments where I have to stop and think "did I take my pills today?" and I always have but since this is our 3rd round it's so routine now that I'm not thinking about it as much and it worries me I'm going to screw things up.

Our treatment for this cycle is the exact same as last time.
-5 tablets of 50mg clomid on CD 3-7
-14 tablets of .5 mg dexamethasone on CD 1-14
-1 shot of Pregnyl to trigger
-50 mg of progesterone suppositories after ovulation

Since I only grew 1 lonely follicle last time I was a bit surprised and disappointed that they didn't bump up the clomid dose but I can understand why.
A)RE's are not in the business to purposefully create multiples. Their main objective is to get us on our way to a healthy pregnancy and in the process of doing that multiples do happen but that's not what they're shooting for.

B)I appreciate their effort to mitigate the risk of cysts that could come with higher doses given how I initially responded and I don't want a repeat of the frustration/pain/downtime that came with that.

C) They apparently we really happy with that 1 follie, the nurse even emphatically called it a "beautiful follicle" when I talked to her for my instructions on cycle day 1.

In the end I have to trust that they know what is best even if it's not quite what I expected. They're the specialists who see it all day, every day, and they know better than I do what could happen. Who knows maybe righty just needed extra time to heal from the 2 cysts and will be ready to rejoin lefty in some quality follicle making fun this go around. All I can do now is wait until my ultrasound on May 26th to if anything is cooking or if we're in a situation of diminishing returns at this dose. I do take comfort in knowing that if my monitoring ultrasound shows no mature follicles, Dr M. has been known to go straight into another round of drugs (if everything else looks good) without waiting for a cycle. As with everything else, only time will tell...I feel like this is becoming my new motto.

Hippitus Hoppitus

This Easter morning was my mid cycle ultrasound when we would find out if the Clomid Easter Bunny brought me an ovary basket full of eggs. 

I had dealt with the last two weeks in stride and didn't dwell on whether or not I was responding to the treatment.  It seemed like a moot point since I wouldn't know one way or another until the ultrasound.  Last night, however, all the fears, nerves, and anxiety came spurting up to the surface.  I felt relieved that my appointment was first thing this morning so that I wouldn't have my nerves drawn out all day. 

In the end the Easter Bunny was a bit stingy.  I have one, uno, solamente, mature follicle measuring 20mm...and that's it.  Last medicated cycle I had 3...and a cyst...but still that was a really good response for the lowest dose of Clomid so I'm surprised at such a different result this time.

I know ultimately you only NEED one, and maybe this one is better quality than the others, and that I should be happy that I at least have something to work with this cycle.

I know all this.

Regardless, I am kind of disappointed and nervous.

When you're putting the time, money, emotional and physical effort into a medicated cycle you hope for the most successful results, and when it comes down to numbers and probability, higher numbers give you a higher probability of success.  I'm not counting this cycle out but I felt much more comfortable last time when I knew we had several candidates to work with. 

Then there is the masochistic side of me that has always wanted twins.  In my extended family there are a few sets of twins, and though I know there isn't a genetic link to twins, I have been teased about having twins for ages.  Over the years the idea has grown on me thus when I found out I would need medical help for ovulation I came to terms with it quickly thinking that maybe this is how we would get our twins.  I grew even more comfortable with the notion of twins considering our original desire to have two kids during residency and the proverbial wrench that infertility has thrown into the timing of getting two pregnancies in the remaining time.

So while I am happy to have at least a shot this cycle and that I'm cyst free, I'm a bit disappointed in the lower probability and little to no likelihood of twins.  This in turn makes me feel guilty that I am being ungrateful, selfish, and whiny about what I have been given.  I feel like an infertile spoiled brat.

"Nutcase, party of one, your emotional bullet train to Crazytown is now departing the station."

In the end I tell myself that things will happen when and how they are supposed to, even if it doesn't happen in the way I had wanted them to.  I believe that God knows better than I do what Dr. Love and I need in the long run.  Now I only hope that I can find peace in whatever the plan ends up like, because I sure as heck don't know what it is going to be. 

Tomorrow we pull the trigger and wait to see if this one is the rock star we've been looking for. 

Bye Bye BBT

Dear little pink BBT-

We need to have a talk.  I really don't want you to take this personally but...I think we should stop seeing each other.  You don't really fit my needs any more and I've moved on.  It pains me a bit to tell you this but there's someone else.  I've been seeing him for a while but wasn't quite ready to give you up as I thought you still had something to teach me.  Now it has developed to a point where you and I have grown apart, beside the upcoming progesterone supplements are just going to screw with your head.  I figured it would be in both our best interest to quit now while we are on good terms than wait until we're frustrated and confused about what's going on.

We had a good run though while it lasted.  Sure, I had some issues trusting you from time to time when you didn't tell me what I had hoped to hear but in the end we learned that really it was all my fault for not giving you better information to work with.  You taught me valuable information about was going on with my body, or more specifically what wasn't happening.  You showed me that I wasn't ovulating which turns out to be a bit of a problem when you want to have a baby.  You saved me even more months of frustration and futile efforts.  You gave me the pieces I needed to get help.  For all this I am extremely grateful but I think our time is through...at least for now.

Maybe one day we'll meet again under better circumstances, we'll have better communication, and you'll have better news to tell me other than nothing is happening in there.  I hope there are no hard feelings that I'm leaving you behind for fancier tools.  It's not you, it's me and I hope we can still be friends.

Take care,

Residency Widow

Back in the saddle again

Once again just when I think Mother Nature is a pain in the butt, she shows that she has a small amount of mercy. Cycle 9 was one of my strangest but shortest cycles to date. 22 days! Sure it was unfortunately another anovulatory cycle but wow, 22 days.

Today I went in for my repeat cyst check ultrasound, and I felt so nervous in the hours leading up to the procedure this morning. Luckily the nerves were put to rest as the 2 cysts which spoiled our treatment in Cycle 9 are GONE!! Which means we have the green light on starting up medication again.



Source: Photobucket



My bag o' fun this time includes:

.5mg Dexamethasone from now until cycle day (CD) 14

50 mg Clomid, CD 3-7

A box of ovulation predictor sticks for use starting CD 11

1 shot of Pregnyl HcG trigger

50 mg Progesterone suppositories to be used twice a day during the two week wait.

Funny thing is my mid cycle ultrasound to check my response to the medication and the growth of follicles is scheduled for Easter morning.  I'm sure we can draw all kinds of symbolism from that, so far I've come up with:

Hopefully this means my "baskets" will have some good eggs.

Maybe this is where my fertility will be resurrected from the dead.

Is the ultrasound wand the Easter Bunny of my uterus?  He better bring me lots of goodies.

What an appropriate way to start off NIAW.

Buckle in tight because this crazy ride is on its way once again. 

The Status of Cycle 9

The results of today's baseline ultrasound / cyst check:

2 cysts greater than 30mm in size = no medication for ovulation induction this cycle.

In the process of stimulating the ovaries to grow follicles and produce an egg, the cysts would also be stimulated to grow and we don't want that. As a result we're on a forced rest cycle in hopes that they will come down in size and we'll check on them again next cycle. We can still try on our own in case by a slim chance my body does decide to ovulate on it's own for once but we can't use any medication to help it get there.

Dr. M believes that the first cyst we found on my follicle check last cycle is one of these two and that it has shrunk a bit but it didn't burst last week as we thought. He has suspicions that the other one may be the 12mm follicle we saw and instead of rupturing with the trigger shot it kept growing. Great. :(

So:
The question about a Christmas baby has been most likely resolved.

We have a slim to none chance at a 2011 baby.

Our 1 year anniversary of trying to conceive will come and go.

The window for having 2 pregnancies during residency (which we had hoped to do to take advantage of our good maternity coverage) has been most likely slammed shut.

Needless to say, I'm bummed and I'm getting tired of being bummed.

I feel like we had to wait patiently to be even be able to try medication, due to my funky cycles interfering with timely completion of our testing, and we got 1 try before having to wait again.

I know I previously waffled on whether or not we would try this cycle, but I had made a decision on it that I felt good about. I was ready to go. Having that ability to chose taken away and instead having a break thrust upon me is frustrating.

I feel like everywhere I turn lately I run into road blocks of one kind or another and it's taken its toll. Usually I'm a fairly positive person, but I look back at the posts I've made on this blog and I see a lot of frustration and sadness. Now part of that is just the nature of this blog being an outlet for me and while it is cathartic for me it's not necessarily a fun read. I apologize for that and for the negativity, I hope to be able to have more positive and uplifting posts soon.

B-U-S-T

That's how you spell bust and the ending of our first Clomid cycle.


Our cycle started out full of hope and promise, and up until Sunday I believed we had a good shot at success. I had responded well to the medication with good follicles and endometrial lining. We had pretty good timing. I ovulated! We entered the dreaded two week wait and I felt positive that we had done it. We would have a little turkey in our family soon. I handled the first 8 days of the wait with ease as they seemed to fly by since I was more occupied with residency matters at the time. Then 9 days into the wait I started spotting, though I wasn't too worried about it given (TMI alert) the color and consistency. Dr Love even pointed out that it could be related to my cyst which we believe ruptured a week ago. Then everything turned on a dime.


I was still charting my basal body temp (BBT) this cycle and woke up Sunday morning to a temp drop that took my hopes with it. Dr Love came home from call to find a despondent wife trying to pull herself together. "It's not over," he said. "Temps don't tell everything." I wanted to believe him, truly I did. Aunt Flow, on the other hand, had other plans and came furiously storming in several hours later.

And that was the end of it. We (though really it's more me) had failed. There would be no little turkey coming to our home in November. Furthermore I didn't even make it to my test date and only lasted 11 days after my trigger, which is much too short. I'm left wondering what happened. Was my progesterone too low? Do I have some other kind of luteal phase defect? Were we successful but something wasn't right so my body halted any further development? Do I have rotten eggs? I know my mind is running away with me on the what ifs, and in the end the truth is we probably won't know and all we can do is look into it next round and adjust accordingly.

When we first started this cycle, I contemplated for a brief moment whether or not we would try again immediately after should we (in my RE's terms) "not reach our goal." Part of me had thought no, as we could potentially have a Christmas baby and I know kids hate having their birthday at Christmas. Now that I'm here, however, knowing that we may have other issues to address, and realizing that April will mark our 12th month of trying to conceive, I can't bring myself to throw away a cycle. If God wants us to have a Christmas baby, we'll have a Christmas baby.

So tomorrow I go to see Dr M. for an ultrasound cyst check and to learn the fate of this cycle. If things are clear, then we'll be a go for starting my next round of meds. If I have cysts that they're concerned about then we'll have to take a break from meds this cycle and that answers the Christmas dilemma on its own.

Only time will tell.

Check 1, 2, 3, Check

Yesterday morning I went in for my cycle day 14 ultrasound to monitor the effects of the Clomid. Ever since I started taking my meds I've been eagerly awaiting this day. Much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears I've wanted to know if I'm overstimulating (too hot), not responding at all (too cold), or responding just right.

I'm happy to say that the ultrasound went well and it looks like the state of my ovaries and uterine lining are just right. I have a 19mm follicle on the right, and a 17mm on the left. For good ovulation they want to see follicles over 21mm. At the rate they're growing, those two should definitely be ready to go this week when I trigger ovulation with a shot of HcG and then there's another 12mm on the left that MAY catch up in time but I doubt it. So that's 2, maybe 3, chances at getting pregnant this cycle.

In addition to the good follicles we also found a 3cm hemogenic cyst (that's about the size of a ping pong ball) that has come out of no where in the last couple weeks as it wasn't on my baseline ultrasound. That has me a little nervous but Dr M said it won't interfere in our other plans, we'll just need to keep an eye on it. I'm holding out hope that the cyst will resolve on it's own without rupturing.

All in all I feel very relieved and hopeful after yesterday's appointment. I'm glad that we made the decision to go with a RE in our treatment so that we could know what was going on and direct our course of action and expectations accordingly. Now lets go Turkey hunting!

And here we go

Ok maybe the Joker isn't the best illustration when it comes to trying to conceive, but I can't say this phrase without it sounding like Heath Ledger and this image going through my head.

Our treatment plan is finally officially under way. It took 10 weeks from our initial appointment to get here and I am ready to go. Here's what it will hopefully take to get us on our way to parenthood.

• 14 tablets of .5mg of dexamethasone
• 5 tablets of 50mg of clomid
• 1 shot of Pregnyl (HcG)
• 2 Ultrasounds

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound to take a look at my uterus and ovaries so that we can compare them after my course of Clomid. If there had been any previous doubt that I am PCOS that ultrasound pretty much removed it. My ovaries are poly cystic and big; enlarged due to the immature follicles of cycles past. The nurse practitioner doing the scan counted them up but she stops counting at 20 on each ovary because "by then it gets the point across"; I still had more to go. It's nice to know I'm not making things up and that we could see I really don't ovulate but it made me feel bad for my poor ovaries. Apparently they're not as lazy as I thought, they try really hard to get an egg out but just don't have enough juice to make it to the finish line. So let's hope this Poweraid cocktail gives them the extra juice they need to power through to the end.
As I sit here at the beginning of my treatment I find myself excited with a positive outlook on our chances. I'm looking forward to the possibility of a little turkey for us to be thankful for this November. I want it so bad I can taste it and that scares me. It scares me to think of the possibility that it might not happen. I'm trying not to focus on those fears though, instead I'm praying that I'll make it through the side effects and that it will work. I'm praying for our little gobbler.

We are clear for take off

Yesterday was the day I've waited over a month for. My hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As excited as I was to finally get this test done, the last couple days my nerves were steadily increasing.

Would it hurt?
What would they find?
What if I get bad news?

It wasn't easy to watch the hours tick by at work. I hardly got anything productive done. I arrived at the RE's office, filled out my consent form and waited. I had my blood pressure taken and waited. I got changed into the gown / drape and waited. Then it was time for my uterus and tubes to take center stage.

Act 1: The Speculum
I dislike the speculum, not that I think any woman is particularly fond of them, they're just one of many uncomfortable parts of being female. I always feel like I have to stay perfectly still while it's in place, that one good flex would send the instrument shooting out.

Act 2: A Shot of Lidocaine
To help ease cramping and the placement of the catheter, the Dr gave my cervix a few shots of lidocaine. "Cervix" and "thin needle" are not words I really liked being in the same sentence, but it wasn't bad at all (and I hate needles). I felt nothing more than a slight pinch.

Act 3: Catheter and Colored Dye
With all the appropriate parts cleaned and numbed it was time for the catheter to be positioned just inside the uterus. She began to inject the dye and we waited to see what would show up on the screen.

The Main Event!
"Oh yeah those are definitely open," the Dr said almost immediately after the dye began to flow. I watched the monitor as dark swirls appeared filling in the shape of my uterus and the path of my fallopian tubes before spilling into the white void of my peritoneal cavity. At this time the cramps also started.

And then we were done. For how long I had waited for this and the nerves that had built up, I was surprised how quick the whole thing went; door to door I was there less than an hour. The residual cramps and spotting, however, weren't as short lived. My uterus is still occasionally protesting the procedure this morning.

I am relieved though that aside from my hormone problems, Dr. Love and I healthy. My uterus and the fallopian freeway are open for business and his little guys are good to go. Now we just need to get the ovaries on board and hopefully that should do it.

On the books

My quest to get Provera to end my long cycle hit a couple bumps over the past few days; some good, some bad. In my discussion with the nurse, she informed me that Dr. M. wouldn't give me a prescription until I had a few labs drawn. He wanted to check my Progesterone, Estrogen, and HCG to make sure that I hadn't recently ovulated and that I wasn't pregnant. While I appreciated his thoroughness I was also a bit frusterated as I was unable to get to the lab for a couple days and I feared that would just prolong the process.

Then something surprising happened. Aunt Flow demonstrated that she does have at least one ounce of mercy and showed up over the weekend. As a result, over a month after our initial consultation, I was finally able to schedule my HSG which is hopefully the last bit of our testing. The icing on the cake? Since I don't feel like I need valium, I can drive myself to and from the procedure thus eliminating the need for me to get my parents involved at this time. My original instructions said that I would need to have someone drive me and since Dr. Love is unavailable to do so this month, that meant I would have had to "come out" about our fertility problems.

I know it's only a matter of time before I'll spill the beans, but I'm not quite ready...yet.

First comes love, then comes marriage...

Where oh where is my baby carriage?

Dr. Love and I decided early on that we wanted to wait a year until we started trying to have kids. We wanted to enjoy our time together and get to know one another as husband and wife before we became parents. To me that time together is precious as it's the only time you have for just the two of you because once you have kids, no matter how old your kids are, you are forever after Mom and Dad. It just so happened that the end of the waiting period also closely coincided with the start of his residency which meant he would be bringing home a paycheck.


Dr. Love, being the optimist he is, was confident that when we were ready we would have no problems getting pregnant. I dearly wanted to believe him but as the months ticked by with no baby, the ghosts of hormone problems past began to haunt me.

In an effort to either confirm or dispel my fears I turned to charting my basal body temperature (BBT). I'll admit that when I originally contemplated trying to conceive I did not want to chart. I was worried that I would obsess about it and doing so would let the process of conception take over my life. Time and disappointment has a way of changing things. Now I wish I had done it from the very beginning because I would have learned a vital piece of information early on... I don't ovulate, or if I do it's a fairly week one because none of my charts show it clearly. Getting pregnant is difficult when your body doesn't give you an egg to work with.

The next couple weeks brought several blood tests and along with it a diagnosis. Hypothyroid and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). While it was a relief to have evidence that I wasn't just being an impatient hypochondriac, it was tough to put the nail in the proverbial coffin that we'd be able to conceive without any help.

Being that hormones are both delicate and complex, and the fact that I wanted any treatment we had to be closely monitored, we made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). This week, we sat in Dr. M's office discussing our hopes, diagnosis, and treatment. The plan currently consists of clomid, dexamethasone for my elevated testosterone and a trigger shot, but first more tests. I'm hopeful about the plan we have BUT I'm feeling the pinch to get things going. Ideally we would like to have a couple kids during Dr. Love's 3 year residency to take advantage of the favorable maternity coverage, and the window on making this a possibility is closing. I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that we need a bit of medical help but the possible trickle down effect may be hard to swallow. I guess only time will tell.