Hippitus Hoppitus

This Easter morning was my mid cycle ultrasound when we would find out if the Clomid Easter Bunny brought me an ovary basket full of eggs. 

I had dealt with the last two weeks in stride and didn't dwell on whether or not I was responding to the treatment.  It seemed like a moot point since I wouldn't know one way or another until the ultrasound.  Last night, however, all the fears, nerves, and anxiety came spurting up to the surface.  I felt relieved that my appointment was first thing this morning so that I wouldn't have my nerves drawn out all day. 

In the end the Easter Bunny was a bit stingy.  I have one, uno, solamente, mature follicle measuring 20mm...and that's it.  Last medicated cycle I had 3...and a cyst...but still that was a really good response for the lowest dose of Clomid so I'm surprised at such a different result this time.

I know ultimately you only NEED one, and maybe this one is better quality than the others, and that I should be happy that I at least have something to work with this cycle.

I know all this.

Regardless, I am kind of disappointed and nervous.

When you're putting the time, money, emotional and physical effort into a medicated cycle you hope for the most successful results, and when it comes down to numbers and probability, higher numbers give you a higher probability of success.  I'm not counting this cycle out but I felt much more comfortable last time when I knew we had several candidates to work with. 

Then there is the masochistic side of me that has always wanted twins.  In my extended family there are a few sets of twins, and though I know there isn't a genetic link to twins, I have been teased about having twins for ages.  Over the years the idea has grown on me thus when I found out I would need medical help for ovulation I came to terms with it quickly thinking that maybe this is how we would get our twins.  I grew even more comfortable with the notion of twins considering our original desire to have two kids during residency and the proverbial wrench that infertility has thrown into the timing of getting two pregnancies in the remaining time.

So while I am happy to have at least a shot this cycle and that I'm cyst free, I'm a bit disappointed in the lower probability and little to no likelihood of twins.  This in turn makes me feel guilty that I am being ungrateful, selfish, and whiny about what I have been given.  I feel like an infertile spoiled brat.

"Nutcase, party of one, your emotional bullet train to Crazytown is now departing the station."

In the end I tell myself that things will happen when and how they are supposed to, even if it doesn't happen in the way I had wanted them to.  I believe that God knows better than I do what Dr. Love and I need in the long run.  Now I only hope that I can find peace in whatever the plan ends up like, because I sure as heck don't know what it is going to be. 

Tomorrow we pull the trigger and wait to see if this one is the rock star we've been looking for.