We're Alive!!!

I am apparently the worst pregnant blogger ever. 

My lame excuse is the baby has invaded the creative writing part of my brain leaving me with an extended case of writer's block.  Truthfully, there also hasn't been much happening over the past few weeks.  After the initial excitement of getting the BFP, seeing the heartbeat, hearing the heartbeat, and making it past the fragile weeks of the first trimester, it's been weeks of just growing and waiting.  Waiting for the BIG scan.  This last week it was time to finally get a good look at our baby, no longer a blob or a gummi bear, but a real baby.

Like any BIG appointment I was a bit nervous going into the ultrasound wondering if they would find something wrong and eager to find out what we are having.  30 minutes and numerous photos later we got the news that our little peanut is healthy and at the time of the scan was weighing in at a strong 8oz. 

Then the big moment came we had been waiting for.   Would we be filling the nursery with frilly things and bows or manly things like cars and trucks?  I am excited to announce.......

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the implications of having a son but it is fun to be able to start planning our boy's nursery and the fun stuff that boys enjoy.  Luckily I have lots of friends and family nearby that are familiar with raising little boys.  We haven't decided on a name just yet but the list of possibilities is getting shorter.

In addition to baby boy being healthy, momma is doing well so far too.  The first trimester ickiness finally seems to be gone with only an occasional short lived reprise.  By the most recent check I am up 6 pounds and I have a bit of a more defined baby bump that people are starting to notice.

So that's the big update for us.  With any luck the baby will give up a little bit of my brain power that I might be able to not go so long between posts.

A second look

Again I apologize for my lack of posts the last couple weeks.  Things have gotten a bit rough, physically speaking, lately.  Then the cherry on top this week was the contraction of some sort of virus that left me fighting off a fever for 24 hours.  Previously I didn't even have the energy to focus on writing; with the virus I could hardly construct a coherent thought let alone write it down.  The last couple days, however, it seems to have slowly turned a corner.  I'm starting to feel better and I can go an evening without falling asleep on the couch.  Hopefully this is just the start of the more enjoyable parts of pregnancy.

Last week Dr Love and I went in for our second ultrasound at the RE to check on the baby's growth.


Baby's 2nd picture...a gummi bear

At 8 weeks 4 days baby was measuring right on track and had a healthy heartbeat of 170bpm.  Even though in my head I knew everything would be fine, it is always comforting to see it in black and white.  After the scan was complete the RE said, "Well everything looks great so I get to graduate you today."  Yay for graduation day!  It was a little bittersweet as I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye to my favorite nurse but I guess that's the way it goes.  On my way out, the nurse gave me a hug and said congratulations.  I told her thank you and to not take it personally but I hope I didn't see them again.  She laughed and agreed then added "but we're here if you need us."  We have our first OB appointment this coming week and I hope this  is the first step in being a normal uneventful pregnant woman.

*************

This morning was a long awaited occasion.  This morning I took my last progesterone suppository.

No more getting up early to take them so that they have time to be absorbed before I'm up and about.   No more night time dosages.  No more prescription bottles in the fridge.  I'm glad to be done with them, and yet knowing the safety net is gone makes me a tad bit nervous, even though there's no evidence or history that I need to be.  So hear we go supplement free, I hear it's the way to be.



*************

I mentioned earlier that this week I was struck with a virus and a fever that made me pretty miserable.  Of course it left me wondering if everything was fine with the baby.  We still had over a week until our next appointment but my sister in law had recently given us the doppler she successfully used with her pregnancies.  We tried it for the first time shortly after our last ultrasound (before I became ill) knowing that if we weren't able to find anything it wouldn't be too worrisome since we had just seen the heartbeat flickering away.  Sure enough we weren't able to find it. 

After my fever I really wanted some peace of mind and managed to convince Dr. Love to try finding it again.  He cautioned me that it was still really early and even if I was to come into the clinic at 9.5 weeks he'd warn me he might not find it with their better dopplers.  I took his warning and still wanted to try.  He searched, and I searched.  We searched high, low, left and right.  We twisted and turned the doppler, pushing hard.  The only thing we heard was the slow steady woosh of my heartbeat.  We started to pack things up when Dr. Love paused, "let me try one more time."  It took him probably at least another 5 minutes and the first sign of it would have been easy to miss.  It started as just a faint noise in the background of my heartbeat, but there was no mistaking that there were 2 distinctly different sounds.  Dr. Love slid the doppler over just a smidge and there it was loud and clear all on it's own, the chuga-chuga-chuga of baby's heartbeat.  It was a beautiful sound to hear for the first time that brought a great sense of relief.  Dr. Love was pretty proud of himself too. 

So now we've seen it and we've heard it...now I just have to wait for the day when I can feel it but there's definitely a little person growing.

There's a bean in there.

This week we had our long awaited first ultrasound.  In the days leading up to it I felt excited, nervous and a bit terrified.  What if nothing was there or there was no heartbeat?  This week was extemely busy at work with the day of and after my ultrasound being critical days that I wouldn't be able to take off should we get bad news.  Again Dr. Love comforted me and talked me off my stressful ledge.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  
The appointment started like so many other ultrasound appointments I've had but I anxiously watched the screen praying to see something there.  "There's the yolk sac, and there's the fetal pole, and that little flicker above the cursor is the heartbeat."  Her words were music to my ears and a wave of relief came over me. 

Baby's 1st picture

So far the little bean is measuring right on track and has a perfect little heart beat of 152 bpm.  We have an official due date of March 19th.  It is amazing, albeit still a bit surreal, to know that there's a little person growing in there.  As easily as I cry when I'm stressed or upset, I'm a bit surprised that I didn't shed any tears suring the scan. 

Dr. Love had the day off and when I came home from work to find flowers and a onesie set that I've had my eye on for over a month.  "It's time for us to start getting excited about it," he said as he gave me a big hug.

Since the scan I'm feeling more relaxed and starting to get more excited but I still can't completely belive it's happening.  I'll confess that even though we both really really want this, and we worked so hard to get here I still wonder at times "holy cow what did we just do."  I'm hoping that's pretty normal and will subside as things develop to where I look/feel pregnant and the bean starts looking more like a baby.

Otherwise, how am I feeling?  The nausea is here in almost regular daily waves but so far it hasn't brought its friend vomitting.  Bloat and exhaustion are here too still making it difficult to do anything in the evenings other than be a lump on the couch. 

We go back this next week to get another look and hopefully get our walking papers to graduate from the RE.  I think this next wait will be much easier to bear than the first.

Anyone have a chill pill?

Thank you so much for all of the congrats, best wishes, and kind thoughts you have sent our way.  It means a lot, and I'm glad many of you are sticking with us through the next step in this journey.

First off I apologize for not giving an update sooner.  Work has been busy lately and by the time I get home I don't have energy for much else besides eating dinner.  Since I last posted I've been in the midst of the longest 2WW ever as we wait for our first ultra sound.  Things are still very early but so far I've felt really good.  Seeing as my mom had really difficult pregnancies with lots of morning sickness, to the point my dad says that she looked blue a number of times, I expected to feel pretty miserable from the get go.  In fact when the nurse called me with the second beta results I asked her about morning sickness remedies and bought cereal to keep on my nightstand just in case.  There's still plenty of time for the morning sickness to come, and now that I'm writing this it will probably come storming in as soon as I hit "publish," but the only symptoms I've had are bloating, fuller breasts, and exhaustion.  Give me a blanket and I'll fall asleep on the couch by 9:00. 

All was going well until I woke up last Wednesday and noticed I felt less bloated and not as...how do I say it...chesty.  Of course whether I really was or not is hard to tell but the mere thought was enough to crack the widow open and all my fears came rushing over me.  I told Dr. Love I about my apprehensions and he tried to put them to rest.  "So you are feeling a little better and it is worrying you?" It sounds crazy but it is totally true.  I had a minor (ok maybe it was more major) melt down.  In my mind symptoms easing up meant the hormones causing the symptoms were lessening which then in turn meant something was wrong with the baby.  All sounds perfectly logical, right?  Well apparently not as I'm finding out that in the early stages of pregnancy symptoms can come and go.  Of course I found this out after Dr Love decided to order a third beta draw to see what my levels where and guess what they were perfectly fine, chugging right along as they should.

I wonder if I would be as nervous if we hadn't struggled with IF to get here.  I still haven't bought ANYTHING baby related.  I don't have a ticker up and probably won't until we have our ultrasound.  The only thing I do have is a small little app on my phone.  I want to be clear that I do know I am pregnant and that chances are everything should go just fine as so far I have no physical evidence to the contrary.  BUT I'm not naive.  I know lots of things can happen in the early stages that we may not expect, and I know until I have our little one in my arms nothing about this pregnancy is for certain.   I hate how IF takes away your innocence in this whole matter.  There's a line I found in an article on Resolve.org that I think sums it up well...

The emotional and financial resources expended trying to get pregnant can often create a deep seeded fear of losing the pregnancy or of something going wrong with the baby’s development. 

It's hard to put everything back in Pa.ndora's box once it's been opened.  As things progress, however, I can hope and work to quiet my fears and anxiety.  Until then I need a prescription for one of these...

and maybe some zo.fran.

Surprise, surprise

Short version:
For those who are still battling IF and may be having a bad day I won't beat around the bush.  My one follicle was the lucky one and this week I got a BFP.  I have had a couple of labs drawn since then and everything has come back with strong numbers growing right as they should.

Long version (for those who are interested in all the details):
Wednesday was my scheduled test day.  In the days leading up to it I had mixed feelings but mostly I didn't want to take the test.  The last couple cycles, 2 days after testing Aunt Flow would come to town.  I figured if I just waited a few more days I wouldn't have to go through the disappointment of a negative test.  Unfortunately that plan was thwarted by Dr. Love's good memory.  After getting ready for work, he woke me up from my sleep.

Dr. Love: "Isn't today test day?"

Me: "Yeah, but I think I'm going to skip it."

Dr. Love: "Uh, so when would you test instead?"

Me: "Maybe tomorrow or Friday."

Dr. Love: "Well tomorrow I'm on call, so I don't think that would be a good idea, and Friday's 2 days away."

Me: " <sigh> You want me to test today, don't you?"

I pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom.  For the first few seconds I didn't want to look at the test.  I didn't want to see that stark white staring up at me.  Moments later I knew I had to look at it.  I was shocked to see not 1 but 2 lines developing.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing and just sat there paralyzed for a moment.  When I finally got my wits about me I pulled out the box of digital tests I bought ages ago for just such an occasion.  While the instructions say to wait 3 minutes, "Pregnant" popped up in less than a minute.  Again I was in shock.  I took a few minutes to gather my composure and went back in the bedroom to show Dr. Love.

Me: "Well that's unexpected," as I handed him the sticks.

Dr. Love: "You took two?" then he looked at them..."Wait, really?"  Then he started counting days.  "We're 16 days past trigger, and it's typically out of your system after 10 days....that's all you honey?"

We hugged and I was still numb, shocked; I couldn't believe this was happening.  Even though we were on a medicated cycle, since nothing was different about the medications and my response for our 4th time, I didn't expect much and thought we'd be moving onto a more aggressive plan next cycle.

I called the RE to notify them of my positive and set up days for beta HCG draws.

Beta 1 at 14 days past ovulation: 447

Beta 2  at 16 days past ovulation: 953

Progesterone: 21.2

The numbers suggest that this is a strong pregnancy that should be sustainable.  Obviously I realize that's not a guarantee and a lot of stuff could still happen thus I remain cautiously excited and a bit scared too.  We are very grateful and thrilled to be here and pray that everything goes smoothly.  I'd like to say that the blood test, the bloating, the swollen breasts, and the exhaustion (I've fallen asleep on the couch like 3 times in the last week) have me convinced but it still seems so unreal. 

Our first ultra sound is on August 4th and I hope seeing the little bean on the screen will help it become more real.  While I'm waiting for a more certain due date from my doctor but right now it looks like our lucky charm should be arriving in the middle of March. 

I appreciate the support and encouragement that I have received from blogland during these difficult months and never giving up on me even when I was less than confident.  I hope that you will all stick around as this blog evolves with the pregnancy, but I understand that for some that might not be possible.  I know that in IF, every BFP that isn't yours stings to some degree.  I wish I could take that pain away and hope that many more BFPs are coming in the near future.

Tell me I'm going to grow to like this

Recently I crawled out from under my rock and joined the modern age.

I got rid of my "old dumb phone"....

and got one of these, a "smartphone" that makes me feel like a dummy.

I've avoided making this move for years because I did not want to be accessible to everybody all the time. I'm sure we have all heard about, or even known, crackberry addicts that cannot disconnect from the phone or let an email go unanswered.  I enjoy the fact that once the day is done I can walk away from work and not have to worry about it until the next day.  Having a dumb phone made that a lot easier, but the phone companies have a different idea.   They seem to have plans where one day a smartphone will be in every hand.  My dad and I joke that eventually the only option will be smartphones or a phone with 3 buttons (Home, 911, Power) for the elderly...sadly after shopping for a new phone I don't think we were far off.  The selection of non-smartphones are pretty underwhelming

In addition to my desire to not be accessible 100% of the time, I also avoided making the upgrade for so long because, well, I'm a bit of a cheapskate and the idea of shelling out an additional $30 a month for the required data plan made my wallet pucker up.  Alas the wireless providers had an evil plan in the works here as well.  Word circulating on the street was the option for an unlimited data plan was on its last legs being sent into early retirement.  Like a good late night infomercial, they created a sense of urgency and if I had any inkling that I might at some point want a smart phone I needed to act now.

True to my indecisive tendencies, I searched for months trying to decide what phone I wanted.  iPhone vs Android.  Motorola vs HTC vs Samsung.  Virtual keyboard only vs physical keyboard.  1 camera vs 2 cameras.  8 mega pixels vs 5 mega pixels. Etc, etc.  I finally narrowed down my choices to 2 possibilities and we made our way to the store thinking surely the salesperson would be able to help me make a final selection. 

We wandered the store and fiddled with phones waiting for our name to come up on the list for a salesperson blissfully unaware of the mess that was about to ensue.  I was less than impressed with the guy we got.

Salesguy: "So what brings you in here today?'

Me: "Well I'm eligible for an upgrade and I'm thinking about getting a smartphone."

Salesguy: ..............

Me: "Uh, so I've kind of come down to deciding between the Samsung and the HTC."

Salesguy: ....................

Dr. Love: "Is there anything about one or the other that would be better."

Salesguy: "They're both good phones."

Dr. Love: "Do they have Gingerbread operating system?"

Salesguy: "Yeah they're both newer phones so they come with the new operating system."

WRONG.  Samsung had the first version of the Android OS, and the HTC had the second.

Dr. Love: "Have you heard anything about the unlimited data plan going away anytime soon?"

Salesguy: "No, we still have the unlimited plan."

Me: "The rumor on the street is it's being discontinued soon."

Salesguy: "Oh well, they usually don't let us know about stuff like that until a week before it goes through."

Me: "It's supposed to happen next week."

Salesguy: .................

Me: "Well let's get back to the phones."

Salesguy: "One of the tech guys showed me this neat trick last week."Tap, swipe......Tap, swipe...........Tap, Tap, Swipe..........Swipe, Tap......Tap, Swipe, Tap.  "Hmm, well it's not working now, people are always playing with these and messing them up."

Sure, the problem is customers using the phones, uh huh.

Me: "Where do you go to send a text message?"

Salesguy: "Right through this icon here."

Me:  fiddling with the keyboard "Does it have Sw.ype?  I know the Samsung does."

Salesguy: "It should."  Tap, Tap, Tap.....Swipe, Swipe......Tap, Swipe, Tap.  "Uh well I'm not seeing it here.  Let me go in the back and look it up."

By now my patience and my blood sugar are running low and I can feel myself getting grumpy.  During his 5 minute break to the back of the store, Dr. Love looked up several forums on his phone discussing my question.

Salesguy: upon returning "I couldn't find any information on whether it has Sw.ype installed or not.
Dr. Love: "I found a couple of forums talking about it.  We'll check that out later."
Me: getting visibly frustrated "Ugh I just don't know which one to go with."

I'm no salesperson but I think this is an open invitation to sway the customer and make the sale. 

Salesguy: ...............

His stunned silence was not reassuring, I guess I should have written the words "SELL ME SOMETHING" across my forehead.  At this point I basically turned my back on him and looked to Dr. Love for advice.

Dr. Love:  "They seem to be pretty equal so I would just go with the HTC since it's the newer of the two."
Me: "Fine, let's get this one."'
Salesguy: "Ok, meet me at the desk over there and I'll go get it for you."

I'm done with this whole mess, I'm cranky, I'm being forced to fork over money when I don't really want to, and my salesperson is about as helpful as the teenager working the drive through at Burger King.  When he came to the counter he even offered the symbolic fries to complete my order....a case for my phone.  He brought 3 options, a black one and 2 different BRIGHT PINK cases.  Now I like girly things but I have a limit on how much girly I can take and BRIGHT PINK phone cases crossed the line.  He directed me to the wall where my other "options" were though selection was severely limited.  I took down a purple case to examine it.

Salesguy: "That's the same one I brought out at the desk."
Me: "Um this one looks purple."
Salesguy: "It just looks darker because of the black behind it."  Takes it from me and looks at the back, "Oh it does say Purple."

Thanks genius, pretty sure I can tell the difference between BRIGHT PINK and purple.  Let's complete the sale before I explode.

Me: "I'll take the purple one."
Salesguy: "Ok I'll ring it all up and get your contacts transferred over.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "I think that will be all."

So the relationship with my new smartphone had a rocky start.  I didn't really want to make the move now, the salesguy was less than helpful, then you throw in the inherent learning curve in using / setting up the new phone, I'm surprised it didn't get thrown across the room in the first few days...it came pretty close a few times.  Our relationship has improved since then as we took some time to bond over the fun things it has to offer such as P.andora anywhere, A.ngry B.irds, F.ruit Slice.  I tell myself things will improve, they wouldn't be so popular if they sucked, and one day I won't know how I lived without it.  In the meantime we are still in the early stages of getting to know one another.

One is the loneliest number

Last weekend it was time once again for my monitoring ultra sound.  If nothing else at least it feels like this cycle is passing quickly.  As usual, I started to feel nervous in the hours leading up to the scan.  I won't drag it out and leave you in suspense, the results were nothing new.  One single 19mm follicle on the left ovary and good uterine lining.  I think we have successfully established that this 50mg dose of Cl.omid just gets me up to operating at a "normal" level of one follicle with alternating ovaries.  Normal is great...if you haven't been working at this for over a year already and had hoped to be pregnant several cycles ago.  I think we've finally established that if we aren't successful this round that we'll be doing something different next cycle, though I'm not counting us out this time around.

I did have a brief infertile panic attack before my appointment.  My doctor's office calls my trigger shot and progesterone supplements into a small specialty pharmacy that has a location right above their office.  I don't typically use this pharmacy for other medications and I usually only stop by when I have an appointment at my RE's.  Since my Saturday monitoring appointment was the first time I was going to be at the office this cycle I figured I would make one stop and show up a few minutes early to pick up my prescription before my appointment.  So imagine my surprise when I walked up to the pharmacy to find the door locked, the lights turned off and a sign that read they were open Monday through Friday.  My heart started to race as fears that I had just ruined the cycle filled my head.  I sent an urgent text message to my father, a pharmacy manager at one of the big pharmacy chains, to see if they happened to regularly stock the meds...they don't.  It was an IF nightmare, following my protocol to a T and putting myself through 2 weeks of hormones only to drop the ball at the goal line.  Luckily my nurse saved the day as she remembered that the specialty pharmacy had a location a half hour away that was open until 12:30 on Saturdays.   With the clock ticking away, once my appointment was done I hustled to get across town before they closed.  I made it just in time and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't screwed up the rest of our cycle.  I guess I will be making a point to get to the pharmacy sooner the next time around...if there is a next time around.

In addition to my panic attack I did get a nice little surprise while sitting in the waiting room.  Dr Love was on call that day so I went to the appointment by myself, which wasn't anything new as I've attended most of the appointments alone.  In the midst of trying to solve my shot dilemma I received a text from Dr Love that he was on his way.  The senior residents were kind enough to cover the floor for a hour in order for Dr Love to be able to come.  Even though it was only for a short period of time I know we both appreciated the fact that he was able to be there.  He wants to be involved but like a lot of husbands whose wives are having fertility treatments, he struggles with feeling out of control of the situation.  He's not the one taking the medications, dealing with the side-effects, or having regular dates with Wanda (the vag cam).  The only thing he can do is be supportive and one of the ways he can do that is to come to my appointments but his schedule has made it difficult to do that.  He definitely paid for that hour off the rest of the day and evening as there was a never ending stream of patients/admits at the hospital once he returned.  Regardless I think he'd say it was worth it to be there with me.

Now we wait to see if we finally got that winning follicle.  At the very least I find comfort that if we don't, we will have a more aggressive approach next round.  Fingers crossed.  

They're Heerrree

The interns are here, the interns are here!  The welcoming activities are officially in full swing and I'm interested to see how everything all turns out. 

We kicked things off with a resident sponsored welcome dinner last Thursday that we almost didn't make it to.  In typical expect-the-unexpected medical fashion, Dr Love got pounded with a stream of hospital admits that afternoon which had him running all over the place in addition to his regular floor work and was thus 2 hours late leaving the hospital.  As a result he came home tired, a bit grumpy, we were both hungry and 2 hours late for the welcome dinner.  We pondered if it was really worth going to at that point (would anyone still be there?) and I made the point that if anyone would understand the impact a bad day at the hospital can have on your previously laid plans it would be this group.  Despite all my logic of why we should cut our losses and stay home, Dr Love's team player attitude won and we made the drive over to the resident's house hoping there would be food and people still there.  Considering only 2 of the interns RSVP'd that they were going to attend the dinner, I was pleasantly surprised to see that 6 out of the 9 came and were still there several hours in.  Hooray we didn't scare them off!  Though really only 1/3 of them RSVP'd?  Come on folks maybe I'm old fashion but I've always thought work related events warranted higher levels of etiquette.  Rant aside we did have a nice time chowing down on carb-a-licious food and chatting with everyone.  A number of the incoming interns had that deer in the headlights look that I remember well from last year as you're the new kid on the block surrounded by people you don't know (though you will soon see them more than your own family) and you're about to embark on a huge journey.

Saturday was a bitter sweet day as we attended the graduation ceremony for the current 3rd year residents (even though they are here through the end of the month).  I'm sad to see several of them go.  This group played a big role in recruiting us to come here.  They were the first ones we socialized with and came to know.  They're strong doctors and good leaders.  They've been a valuable asset to the program and I'm sad to see them go. 

With this changing of the guard comes LOTS of other changes as well.  During graduation one of the attendings noted that Dr Love's class will go down in history as the last "true" intern year.  As some of you know the restrictions on interns have undergone a major overhaul.  Recently the AC.GME (THE grand poobas of ALL the residency programs in the US) decided that interns are now limited to 16 hour shifts, which is down from the 30 hour limit that was previously in place.  I can only imagine how prospective interns across the country breathed a sigh of relief since 30 hour shifts are not fun but this change has further reaching implications, particularly the necessity for a night float system.  Since what previously was one shift has now been split into two, the rotations had to be reworked in order to implement a night shift (aka night float).  I already hate call nights where I have to spend the evening alone, now there's going to be a whole month where I won't see him in the evenings (or possible at all) 5 days a week.  SIDENOTE: I really hope we're either pregnant by the time night float comes, though I guess it could make scheduling an IUI easier since he'd be free during the day.  Ah the joys of trying to work life around the demands of medicine. END SIDENOTE.

In addition to the change in work hours, the AC.GME also decided that interns need "close supervision."  No big deal right, except that the powers that be with the family medicine association interpreted "close supervision" as recommended in room supervision for a time period to be decided by the residency programs.  This means that for a certain period of time an intern can not see a patient, do a simple history and physical, anything, without a senior resident or attending present.  In essence they need a babysitter.

The current residents joke about giving the interns backpack leashes or creating intern-bjorns and just carrying them around everywhere.  The administration has assured everyone that they are working on a solution to make this babysitting time as short as possible but so far there's been no word on how they plan to do that. 

So we have smashed 2 residents into 1 and split what used to be 1 shift into 2 which equals (if my math is correct) more work for everyone.  Buckle in cause this ride just got more interesting.  In the end I'm sure it will turn out fine (if it's not fine it's not the end) but in the mean time I fear things are going to be a bit messy. 

Strike 3

Cl.omid cycle  #3 and mega follie were not the one.  As usual Saturday's test was negative with one lonely line and Sunday AF made it official by storming in.  I wish I could say I handled it like a champ and that I have a cheery / hopeful outlook for what lies ahead.  I wish I could say that but right now I can't.

In preparation for the possibility that Saturday could be a bad day, Dr Love brainstormed a list of things we could do to get our minds off of the BFN and lift our spirits.  First up was a nice 11.5 mile bike ride.  We hit the pavement only to find that our path took us head first into the wind.  I don't know if you've ever rode into the wind but even a slight wind can make things difficult and a strong wind makes it feel like you're peddling through quicksand.  Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but as we rode I felt like it was metaphorical of what we are going through.  I wanted to move forward but the forces ahead were working against us.  We paused at the crossroads waiting for the road to clear and then I threw everything I had into moving forward.  My legs and chest burned and ached but I didn't want to stop.  I didn't want to give up and give in to the forces that were making the journey difficult to reach the end.  We reached what I had remembered being the last stretch and I was relieved to be near the end but as we continued down the stretch it didn't look like the end.  I felt the tears start to well up at the thought of having to go further; my body was exhausted and I didn't think I'd be able to go further if we had to.  Just then I saw the end of the path, we were there, we had made it.

Obviously we haven't hit the final stretch on this ride yet.  So far it seems we've only come up to a number of crossroads waiting to move forward and throw all we have physically and emotionally into making it through the wind beating against us and down the path hoping this will be the last stretch.  Currently I don't see the end in sight but I don't know how much more I have to give.

In light of the recent emotional struggles we've had, Dr Love and I decided that we need to utilize our support resources more.  "I see my wife holding on by a thin thread and circling closer to being clinically depressed," Dr Love said.  Even though I knew this, it was hard to hear him say it out loud.  As such we decided to let Dr. Love's family know about our IF struggle and treatment.  It's a relief to know we no longer have to hide from them and that they are in our corner to support us.  Since they have gone through this before with my sister in law they understand the pain, heartache, and discouragement that we're going through.

Today I spoke with my nurse to get the plan for the next round.  Since we have told them that we would not consider selective reduction in the case of 4 or more embryos, and given my "optimal response" there is no change in my medications or dosages, they think we just need more time.  I trust their opinion and I know they want to get us to our end goal of a healthy pregnancy but the prospect of "more time" brought tears to my eyes.

I know I will rediscover my faith and hope in this process but for now I'm just going through the motions, hanging by a thread, and peddling as hard as I can muster the strength to do so.

Blue

I'm apologize for being such a bad blogger lately.  Hopefully there are a few of you still around and not all my readers have left.  Truth be told I've felt a little like this recently....

Sad, down, blue, depressed.  I'd like to say it's due to the hormones but I think that would be a bit of a cop out as I've had these feelings, albeit in fluctuating levels, for some time now though they've recently hit a high (or perhaps more appropriately a low) point.  As such I've had a difficult time thinking of anything to write lately. 

Now some may say that it is understandable and even a bit expected to feel depressed from time to time when dealing with infertility but the root of it is more than just our infertility.  Sure that is part of it but that is not where my frustrations with my body end.  Like most women I have struggled with my weight since getting married and my condition plus the medications make the struggle increasingly difficult.  I eat well...most of the time, and I've made an effort to add regular exercise into my weeks which is where my body thwarts my worthy intentions yet again mainly in the form of persistent and unrelenting shins splints despite stretches and new shoes.  I have so many good things I want to do but my body just keeps saying no. 

In addition to my frustrations with my body I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with my job.  The subject matter in itself is steadily losing interest to me and the environment feels cold and detached which I find odd when there are only five of us.  This is my first time working for a small office and everything I had heard lead me to believe it would a tight cohesive environment full of teamwork where everyone looked out for each other.  After being here for almost 18 months I realize it is not, it's actually quite the opposite and feels very individualistic and impersonal.  I work hard but I feel as though most days it wouldn't matter if I showed up and thus it's getting harder to convince myself to do so.  The obvious answer here is to find something else but fact of the matter is I don't know what I would like to do which is probably due in part to the last aspect of my blue mood.

Aside from my marriage (which is still healthy and strong), I feel like I've lost sight of what makes me happy.  I haven't been inspired to do much cooking, photography, crafty projects or write.  The general joie de vivre has dimmed and I don't know how to get it back but I know that I do want it back.  I do want to be happy with myself and have my passions back in my life but I'm struggling to know how to light that spark again.

Lastly I'm a bit afraid of what the results of this last treatment cycle will bring as I'm not sure how I would take another BFN in my current emotional state.  I know I have to test to find out but I'm dreading it.  I'm dreading those long minutes where you wait to find out if the weeks of medications and appointments have been worth it.

So that's it.  That's where I'm at.  I wanted to let anyone still reading out there know I hadn't abandoned the blog and give some reason for the radio silence.  Let's face it blogging can be a cheap form of therapy too.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'll have much better news to share in a couple days.